TELL TALE SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A DRUNKEN BASTARD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  You frequently urinate outdoors.

  You first wake up and you're afraid you're going to
  die and a half hour later you're afraid you won't.

  You fall asleep on the toilet while having a shit.

  You believe that spilling a beer is alcohol abuse.

  You go to the toilet to throw up, but you take your
  beer with you.

  You find it's easier to study drunk.

  Beer ads make sense.

  You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out
  of the toilet and you're so dry that it sounds
  mighty thirst quenching.

  You wake the next morning and start drinking a few
  of the half empties left sitting around the room.

  You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a
  drop of your beer.

  You mix your cocktails by the litre.

  You grow a beard because it stops beer that's
  running down your chin.

  You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that
  near orgasmic Zen-like piss.

  You explain to your bank manager that you spent
  your overdraft mainly on beer and women; "the rest I
  just wasted."

  When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you
  only get 5.

  You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of
  respect.