In article <6ms31l$pc5$1@pithy.mincom.oz.au>, "Paul Gunther"
<paulgu@mincom.com> wrote:

> I still remember an ex flatmate of mine adamant that a
> baboon had managed to rip off some boys arm at
> the Melbourne Zoo.

Reminds me of the time I convinced a baboon to piss on several 12 year old
girls.

Busch Gardens, Tampa, 1977.  A solitary baboon languishes in a cage
alongside the gardens path.  In front of the cage is a water spigot with a
short hose that just reaches inside the cage, and the baboon is reaching
for the hose.  "Give the monkey a drink, Rick," suggests my little sister
and her three friends.

"Ok" I say, chuckling with a half-formed concept of mischief coalescing in
my mind.  After handing the hose to the baboon, I open the valve to let a
trickle out, and the baboon puts his lips to the stream - whereupon I
instantly open the valve to full giving the ape a faceful of water, and
then close the valve.  Two or three times I replay this gag, laughing
harder each time.  But the baboon is not amused - each time he gets wet,
his expression of comtempt grows.

>From here on in, everything happened quickly, and memory serves up mostly
a series of still images and sounds.

My mom, being a mom, is chiding me: "Rick - don't tease the baboon."

My dad is warning me: "Son, you don't want to piss off that monkey..." and
from the corner of my eye, I can see him herding my mom away from the
cage.  (In retrospect, I had to infer that he'd pissed off his share of
monkeys.)

Upon the fourth soaking, as my dad finishes the word "monkey," the baboon
lets out a screech and jumps from a crouch to hang five feet up the front
bars of the cage, spraying the crowd of 12-year old girls with an
*amazing* stream of primate piss.  This jet of urine was at least 8 feet
long with the diameter of a no. 2 pencil, and covered a large area as the
baboon flailed around on the front of the cage.

Of course, I was ready for *any* movement from that hairy fucker - At the
first twitch of his muscles, I ducked and dove away to the side of the
cage.  I came away clean, with only a minor scrape to the knee.  My sister
and two of her friends got splattered good, and reeked of monkey whiz the
rest of the day.  But best yet, my sister's friend Dee-Dee, caught
open-mouthed and laughing hard at my monkeyshines, got a nice taste of
Furious George's jet.

I was in deep shit with the females in the group for the rest of the day,
but my Dad could barely contain his pride and amusement.

ObDeeDee:  She turned out to be the Varsity Fucktoy several years later,
as if that taste of raging monkeychoad had made a permanent impression on
her hormone-saturated psyche. I hated the little protoslut anyway, at the
time, not only for her stupid name.  Of course, after that little stunt,
the feelings were reciprocated, and I eventually regretted that stunt for
killing any chance I might have had at one of her legendary blowjobs.  Her
mom eventually got what she deserved for naming her daughter Dee-Dee... a
teenager that would make Courtney Love seem demure.

-- 
"How can you use my intestines as a gift?" -Subtitle in a Hong Kong Film
Rick Cross                     ---><---                     Pasadena, CA
                 bughunter@earthlink.nosolicitards.net