YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM CALIFORNIA WHEN: 1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway 2. Your were born somewhere else 3. You know how to eat an artichoke 4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic 5. Your car has bulletproof windows 6. Left is right and right is wrong 7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income 8. Your mouse has only one ball 9. If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up 10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by 11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it 12. You drive to your neighborhood block party 13. Your family tree contains "significant others" 14. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist 15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them 16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance 17. More than clothes come out of the closets 18. "The Dead" are best live 19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach 20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse 21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers 22. Smoking in your office is not optional 23. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach 24. When you can't meet schedule because you must "do lunch" 25. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks 26. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news 27. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman 28. You consult your horoscope before planning your day 29. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery 30. When all highways into the state say: "No fruits" 31. All highways out of the state say: "Go back" Thanks Charlie Pikscher --- Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in L.A., you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION Name: _____________________ Stage name: ________________ | Can you Attorney: _________________ Agent: _____________________ | read | English? Sex: male ___ female ___ unsure ___ | Formerly: male ___ female ___ both ___ | Yes___ | No ___ If female, indicate breast implant size: ____ * | Que___ * If none, please explain: __________________ __________ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___No___ Most recent movie role: _________________________________ * * If none, please explain: _____________________________ Occupation: [ ] Lawyer [ ] Actor/Waiter [ ] Writer/Unemployed [ ] Filmmaker/Self-employed [ ] Car Dealer [ ] Panhandler [ ] Agent [ ] Hooker/Transvestite [ ] Other; please explain: __________________________________ Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in a car: _____ Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex: $______ Please list: Brand of cell phone: _____________ (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:) ___________________ Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead Men: Please list shade of hairplugs:_______________ Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply) [ ] Eating a wrap [ ] Applying makeup [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Having sex [ ] Tanning [ ] Watching others having sex [ ] Watching TV [ ] Shooting at other motorists [ ] Reading Variety [ ] Shooting at spouse having sex [ ] Stalking celebrities [ ] Surfing the Net via laptop [ ] Snorting cocaine [ ] Slapping kids in the backseat [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs Which do you prefer: [ ] High-speed chase [ ] Low-speed chase Please indicate: a) How many times you expect to shoot at other drivers _____ b) What calibre weapon will you be using _____ c) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____ If you are the victim of a car-jacking, should you immediately: a) Call the police to report the crime b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through d) Call your therapist e) None of the above, you already have the car (South Central resident) Please indicate the luxury vehicle you drive: a) Beamer b) Lexus c) Mercedes d) Cabriolet If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to normal delivery time for your driver's license. In the event of an earthquake, should you: a) stop your car b) keep driving and hope for the best c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4 e) drive under the nearest doorway In the instance of rain, you should: a) never drive over 5 MPH b) drive twice as fast as usual c) you're not sure what "rain" is Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____ If none, please explain: _______________________________ Are you presently taking any of the following medications: a) Prozac b) Zovirax c) Lithium d) Xanax e) Viagra f) All of the above g) If none, please explain: __________________ Length of daily commute: a) 1 hour b) 2 hours c) 3 hours d) 4 hours or more When stopped by police, you should: a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready, along with the $50 bill in-between them b) try to out run them by driving the wrong way on the 405 c) argue that you thought 405 was the speed limit d) apologize, explaining that you are late for your screen test e) challenge him to a drag race; loser gets the ticket f) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit Thanks David Beam via funnies@jps.net via Jack Kolb with enhancements by JokeMaster -- www.JokeMaster.com -- NOTE: I did not write this. I am publishing it on the web purely for the enjoyment of the human race. Apologies to anyone who performed or assisted in the creation of this document; I would have credited you if I knew who you were. -- Alastair Irvine,