You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  -  You answer the door before people knock.
  -  Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  -  You ski uphill.
  -  You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
  -  You speed walk in your sleep.
  -  You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers
     are good in the sack."
  -  You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  -  You just completed another sweater and you don't know
     how to knit.
  -  You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  -  You sleep with your eyes open.
  -  You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  -  The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
  -  You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away
     without using the timer.
  -  You lick your coffeepot clean.
  -  You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
  -  You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse
     and you don't even work there.
  -  You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  -  Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  -  You chew on other people's fingernails.
  -  The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  -  Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
  -  You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
     margaritas.
  -  You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
  -  You can jump-start your car without cables.
  -  Cocaine is a downer.
  -  All your kids are named "Joe".
  -  You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
  -  Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
  -  You don't sweat, you percolate.
  -  You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
  -  You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  -  You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  -  You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you
     realize it's not plugged in.
  -  You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  -  Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  -  You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  -  People get dizzy just watching you.
  -  You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
  -  The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  -  Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  -  Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  -  You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
  -  People can test their batteries in your ears.
  -  Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
  -  Instant coffee takes too long.
  -  You channel surf faster without a remote.
  -  When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the
     last drop."
  -  You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of
     eternity in a coffee can.
  -  You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
  -  Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  -  You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
  -  You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  -  You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
  -  You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
  -  You get drunk just so you can sober up.
  -  You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
  -  Your Thermos is on wheels.
  -  Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
  -  You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  -  You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  -  You short out motion detectors.
  -  You have a conniption over spilled milk.
  -  You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  -  Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  -  You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
  -  You don't tan, you roast.
  -  You don't get mad, you get steamed.
  -  Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before,
     coffee during and coffee after.
  -  Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass
     of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
  -  You can't even remember your second cup.
  -  You help your dog chase its tail.
  -  You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
  -  Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
  -  You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
  -  You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
  -  Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an
     I.V. hookup.


-- 
NOTE: I did not write this.  I am publishing it on the web purely for the
enjoyment of the human race.  Apologies to anyone who performed or assisted
in the creation of this document; I would have credited you if I knew who
you were.           -- Alastair Irvine, <alastair@ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au>