COLLEGE "BURGER JOINT" CONVERSATIONS FROM AROUND THE NATION MIT: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend." "Have some fries." Caltech:"I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend." "Have some fries." Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today." "Have some fries." Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith." "Cool! Me too! Have some fries." Swarthmore: "I got a B." "Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries." Princeton: "My father took away my porsche this weekend." "Poor dear. Have some escargot." Harvard:"Did you do anything this weekend?" "Nope. Have some fries." Williams:"Don't I know you?" "Of course you do, silly. Have some fries." Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend." "Bummer. Have some fries." Vassar: "I'm so stressed and by the way, I'm gay." "Ditto. Have some fries." Columbia:"I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school." "Me too. Let's go get shot." Penn: "I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school." "Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia." Stanford:"Dude, I have so much work this weekend." "Like, chill out dude. Have some fries." Dartmouth:"Oh, man, I got so trashed this weekend. It was awesome." "Have some beer." Wellesley:"God I'm desperate." "Me too. Have some fries." Miami(Fla.): "I hear another tourist got shot" "Yeah, sucks. Have another Bean Burrito." Georgetown: "I hooked up this weekend." "Have some fries." -- NOTE: I did not write this. I am publishing it on the web purely for the enjoyment of the human race. Apologies to anyone who performed or assisted in the creation of this document; I would have credited you if I knew who you were. -- Alastair Irvine,