BEYOND THE DATING APPLICATION JokeMaster Every now and then, a post strikes terror into the hearts and minds of readers worldwide. Judging from the response, the "Application To Date My Daughter" is one such post. In fact, I realized that within a few years, MY daughters will come of age... I must prepare NOW! I don't feel a mere application would be sufficient. I will want to share with any potential suitor, my beliefs. He will be able to share my appreciation for hardware; my extensive medieval torture device collection. Also my interest in modern, high-tech weapons; which can maintain instantaneous detection via global satellites. Assuming any boys actually reach the point of being approved to take one of my daughters out, there are additional safety restrictions which I shall impose. After a sobriety and drug test, he would have to leave his vehicle, title and keys in my possession. And sign a life insurance policy; in case he were accidentally disabled, dismembered, disemboweled or deceased. Naturally, they would need transportation. This is where a specially equipped, '88 Hyundai would come into play. It will be outfitted with audio and video surveillance equipment. A specially adapted proximity detector activates internal blinding lights and deafening sirens; should the occupants move too close. Ambient heat detectors would sense any rise in body temperature and deploy a shield between the driver and passenger. Sensors in the seat and shoulder restraints would detect arousal levels and activate the cold sprinkler system. The cellular link will also be deploy, calling 911; while the satellite transponder will transmit the vehicle's precise location to police dispatch. In short, if anyone in the car is not thinking about religion, they'll wish they were. Oh, did I mention the automatic ejector rear seat? But I can't assume they will remain in the car the entire time... at least not until I've perfected the auto-lock system yet. While away from the protection of the vehicle, other measures have been taken to protect my little girls... but I shouldn't discuss their specialized undergarments. Suffice it to say that any attempted violation is in for the shock of his life! I do expect to collect a number of cars, due to contract violations; before the word gets out. Man, I'd hate to think of what I'd do if I were one of those overly protective parents! Orders will be accepted from other concerned parents, for a custom equipped, old Hyundai. --- And now for a woman who knows how to handle men... 3 CONDITIONS The president of Chase Manhattan Bank decided he should take a vacation-business trip. Since the president has heard about how much fun Taipei is, he decided to visit the offices there. He booked two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary. After his arrival in Taipei, the president received an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decided to meet personally with the man. The next day, the president and his secretary went to meet the Taiwanese business at a really expensive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the accounts for the Taiwanese businessman. However, the prospective client only seemed to be interested in the president's secretary. After the dinner, the businessman asked the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president ordered his secretary to spend some time with the man. He told her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright. After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman took the secretary aside. As he held her hand and looked her straight in the eyes, he told her that he loved her. Then, he got on his knees and asked her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembered what her boss told her; don't reject the guy outright. So, she tried to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman said, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara." The Taiwanese man pause, then nodded his head and said, "No problem!! I buy. I buy." Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman said to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." He paused, whipped out his cellular phone, called some brokers in New York, then called brokers in France. He looked at the woman, nodded his head and said, "Okay, okay. I build, I build." Realizing that she had one last condition, the secretary knew that she'd better make this a good one. She took her time to think and finally, she had an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squinted her eyes, looked at him and said, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man, I marry to have a 12-inch penis." The man seemed a bit disturbed. He cupped his face with his hands and rested his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttered something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shook his head, looking very sad, and said to the woman, "I cut. I cut." From the Night Owl's Nest --- And another woman who knows how to handle men... BLOW ME AWAY A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place." No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, HE'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs." Thanks Sally (ex-flight attendant) Listserver generously provided by: OtherWhen.com ** There are 2 independent JokeMaster lists. For best results, use both. ** JokeMaster Weekend Funnies [Funny] Send to: In the body: SUBSCRIBE Funny or UNSUBSCRIBE Funny JokeMaster Funnies [Funnies] Send to: In the body: SUBSCRIBE Funnies or UNSUBSCRIBE Funnies