IF.......

  If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your
     program, wake him up.
  If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams
    to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a
    success unexpected in common hours.  - Henry David Thoreau
  If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless,
    it will be documented.
  If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
  If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
  If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
  If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
  If anything can go wrong, it will.
  If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
  If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
  If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor.
  If at first you don't succeed, cheat!
  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  If at first you don't succeed, give up.  No use being a damn fool.
  If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
  If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset.
  If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
  If at first you don't succeed, well...darn.
  If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
  If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice
     from folks who didn't succeed either.
  If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
  If at first you don't succeed, your successor will.
  If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
     the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
  If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by
     statistical methods.
  If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
  If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know
     what is  going on.
  If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.
  If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
  If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
  If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
  If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
  If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.
  If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and
     you will break it.
  If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.
  If it doesn't work, expand it.
  If it happens, it must be possible.
  If it is good, they will stop making it.
  If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
  If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
  If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.
  If it jams, force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
  If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.
  If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
  If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
  If it works, don't fix it!
  If jackasses could fly, this place would be an airport.
  If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one
     will be at fault.
  If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
  If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until
     he submerges.
  If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something
     will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
  If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
     unreasonable.
  If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
  If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
  If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.
  If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
  If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.
  If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
  If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at
     the disposal of the most mediocre talent.
  If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.
  If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
  If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.
  If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists,
the event
     will take place, preferably during a demonstration.
  If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause
     the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
  If there isn't a law, there will be.
  If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10
     it will.
  If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.
  If things were left to chance, they would be better.
  If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
  If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!
  If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are
people
     who have not yet made it to the moon.
  If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.
  If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
  If you are coasting, you're going downhill.
  If you are feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
  If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
  If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
  If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.
  If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned.  If you were,
     you would think you were sane.
  If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.
  If you cannot convince them, confuse them.  - Harry S. Truman
  If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
  If you cannot fix it, feature it.
  If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!
  If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.
  If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.
  If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
  If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.
  If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
  If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
  If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.
  If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.
  If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.
  If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
  If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
  If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
  If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
  If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone
will.
  If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it.  If you don't file
     it, you'll need it but never know where it is.
  If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
  If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.
  If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
  If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are
someone
     else will do it for you.
  If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.
  If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
     yourself in the posterior.
  If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
  If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a
     prophet.
  If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
  If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really
     make them think they'll hate you.
  If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.
  If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work
shoes.
  If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
  If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you
good, you
     should run for your life.
  If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go
wrong,
     and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.
  If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
  If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.
  If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.
  If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
  If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.
  If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
  If you understand it, it is obsolete.


-- 
NOTE: I did not write this.  I am publishing it on the web purely for the
enjoyment of the human race.  Apologies to anyone who performed or assisted
in the creation of this document; I would have credited you if I knew who
you were.           -- Alastair Irvine, <alastair@ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au>