67 WAYS TO CONFUSE, ANNOY, OR JUST PLAIN FUCK WITH YOUR ROOMMATE

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do what comes naturally.
2. Swap sheets while your roommate's at class.
3. Get a computer. Leave it on when you're not using it. Turn it off
   when you are.
4. Pretend to talk in your sleep.
5. Invite tourists for "grunge tours." Provide no advance notice.
6. Shave one eyebrow. Refuse to discuss it.
7. Give them an allowance.
8. Slap your thigh and tell them how funny it would be if someone called
   STAR and dropped all their classes. [STAR is the University's automatic
   telephone class registration system.
9. Paint your half of the room black, shred your half of the curtains.
10. Speak in tongues
11. Barricade yourself in the bathroom and flush relentlessly until the
    police arrive.
12. Hoard perishables under the bed. Harvest mold.
13. Move your roommate's personal belongings around, subtly at first.
    Gradually work up to the big items, until the day comes when you can
    glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
14. Smile. All the time.
15. Find FM static and turn it up to 12. Ask them if they would care to
    mosh with you.
16. Spend your rent money on Jolt Cola. Drink every can, and stack the
    empties in the center of the room. Number them.
17. Compulsively search your body for ticks every time you enter the room.
18. Hide your socks in your roommate's closet. Make wild accusations.
    Conduct a search of the premises and your roommate.
19. Mail the door to your roommate's parents (postage due).
20. Become a subgenius.
21. Shelve your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly
    about how you can never find the book you want.
22. Talk backwards.
23. Ask if your family can move in for "a coule of weeks."
24. Burn all your wastepaper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
25. Whenever they are about to fall asleep, ask questions that begin
    with "Didja ever wonder why..." Be creative.
26. Eat nothing but Crisco for a week. Claim that it cleanses your
    system of toxins. Vomit frequently.
27. Dash into their bed during thunderstorms.
28. Hide copies of "Reader's Digest" and "Tiger Beat" under the
    mattress. Look alarmed if your roommate offers to take your sheets
    to the laundromat.
29. Pray to Azozoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate's neck, then stare fixedly at
    the ceiling.
31. Warn them that bedtime stories make you fly into rages.
32. Keep potato chips and HoHo's buried in the trash. Root about in it
    and eat straight from the bin when hungry.
33. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand
    compensation.
34. Mention your intense desire to become a postal worker.
35. Polka, polka, polka.
36. Spend all your spare change on Transfomers. Play with them at
    night. If your roommate says anything, tell them with a straight face:
     "They're more than meets the eye."
37. Spell out "Surrender Dorothy" on their sheets with cracker crumbs.
38. Chain yourself to their bed. Ask that they bring food and an
    occasional periodical.
39. Learn to levitate. When your roommate lookd away, float up out of
    your chair. When they look back, fall back down and grin.
40. Smoke felt-tip pens. Offer them a drag.
41. Dye all your underwear brilliant yellow. Do some of theirs as a
    surprise, peace-making gesture.
42. Recite whole movie scripts (e.g. "Rocky Horror", "Dr. Zhivago",
    "Spinal Tap," ["Quest for the Holy Grail," "Real Genius"] almost
    inaudibly.
43. Develop a fear of the dark. Ask that they hold your votive candles
    while you sleep.
44. Talk to your food. Explain that vegetable matter is sensitive
    stimuli, even when stir-fried.
45. Throw ever pillow on the floor and stomp Twinkies to make wine.
46. Demand five pieces of ID and a hug from the Domino's delivery boy.
47. Meet your nose-picking needs with a monkey wrench.
48. Keep the windows open all night "just in case the mothership returns
    earlier than expected."
49. Bottle your urine for safekeepking. Offer to bottle theirs.
50. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's
    desk. Include a list of grievances.
51. Twitch a lot.
52. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk
    to them.
53. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
54. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian Arias on
    a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your
    performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
55. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to
    come, pretend nothing happened.
56. Eat glass.
57. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what
    you think the dog ate.
58. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
59. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
60. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
61. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand
    up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up
    for three weeks.
62. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
    Refuse to discuss them.
63. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and
    pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate
    comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching
    violently.
64. Put horseradish in your shoes.
65. Always flush the toilet three times.
66. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it
    at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's
    an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
67. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close
    them as soon as you wake up.
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Jon Mile and Friends