An assortment from David & Virginia:

  A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are
  going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know
  everything about you."  The frog said, "That's great! Will I
  meet her at a party, or what?"
  "No," said the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class."


   A New Yorker was flying to Los Angeles and when the airliner
   reached Arizona the announcement was made that they were now
   passing over the Grand Canyon.  He looked down for a few
   seconds and then went back to his magazine.
     The stewardess said, "You don't seem too impressed."
     The New Yorker said, "You've seen one pothole, you've seen
   them all!"


   Three guys in a bar: a Texan, a Californian, and a Boulderite.
   (person from Boulder, Colorado)  They drink, they get crazy.
   The Texan grabs a bottle of Tequila, unscrews the top, takes
   a good swig, and throws the bottle into the air.  He then pulls
   out a .45 pistol and shoots the bottle, spraying Tequila all
   over everything. The other patrons at the bar shout,
   "Hey, why'd you waste that?"  The Texan says, "Heck, it's
   just Tequila.  Where I come from, we got lotsa Tequila."
   The Californian, not to be outdone, whips out a corkscrew and opens
   a bottle of wine, pours a little bit into a glass, swirls the glass,
   sniffs, and sips the wine, then throws the bottle in the air and
   shoots it with a little silver pistol. The patrons again express
   their displeasure and astonishment at the wast.But the Californian
   replies, "I'm from Napa.  We have plenty of wine".
   The Boulderite borrows a bottle opener from the bartender, pops
   the top off a bottle of Boulder beer and downs it.  He throws the
   empty bottle into the air, shoots the Californian and the Texan,
   then catches the falling bottle.
   The patrons scream, "Why'd you do that???!!!"
   The Boulderite replies, "I'm from Boulder.  We have plenty of Texans
   and Californians, but I really should recycle this bottle."

Classic Taglines:
  1-  Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
  2-  I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
  3-  "Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes."
  4-  Friends help you move.  *Real* friends help you move bodies.
  5-  I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
  6-  The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  7-  We are born naked, wet, and hungry.  Then things get worse.
  8-  Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
  9-  The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
 10- Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
 11- The secret of the universe is @*^^^ NO CARRIER
 12- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
 13- I'm not a complete idiot...some parts are missing!
 14- Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else.
 15- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
 16- Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
 17- There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
 18- Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
 19- I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
 20- Learn from your parent's mistakes...use birth control!
 21- Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.
 22- I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
 23- Double your drive space...delete Windows!
 24- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
 25- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere,
     may be happy.
 26- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
 27- I use to have a handle on life; then it broke.
 28- I don't suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it.
 29- When there's a will, I want to be in it.
 30- Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
 31- Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs.
 32- We have enough youth; how about a Fountain of Smart?
 33- All generalizations are false, including this one.
 34- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 35- Intel: We put the "um..." in Pentium.
 36-  C:\windows
      C:\windows\run
      C:\windows\crash

A story you'll probably understand:
  Associated Press
  Issaquah, Wash.- A man was coaxed out of his home by the police
  after he pulled a gun and shot his personal computer, apparently
  in frustration.

  "We don't know if it wouldn't boot up or what," Sgt. Keith Moon
  said Thursday.

  The computer, in a home office on the second floor of the townhouse,
  had four bullet holes in the hard drive and one in the monitor.

  One bullet struck a filing cabinet, while another made it through
  a wall and into a neighboring unit.  No one was hurt.  The man was
  taken to a hospital for a mental evaluation.



  An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
  Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse
  named Buddy.
  He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
  Buddy didn't move.
  Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
  Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!"  Nothing.
  Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"  And the
  horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
  The motorist was most appreciative but very curious.  He asked the
  farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.  The
  farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only
  one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"