... I'm in shape... round's a shape isn't it?
... Quoth the Raven, "Eat My Shorts."
... Taglines -- I just steal 'em, I don't explain 'em.
... Just My Opinion (But I'm Right!)
... Wanna giggle? Try (EDITOR=EDLIN !) in anything.
... Backup not found: (P)=Panic (Any Other Key)=Panic.
... Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue...
... Buy a Pentium; you can reboot faster
... An appeaser feeds a crocodile, hoping to be eaten last.
... Success is just a matter of luck.  Ask any failure.
... Every politician has a price, some hold bargain sales.
... Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.
... An optimist is a guy without much experience...
... Today has been a long year!!!!!!!!!!
... Any certainty is a delusion.
... Old MacDonald had a computer with EIA I/O.
... Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a tagline writer.
... He bellows like a cow standing on her tit.
... The trouble with a kitten is that, eventually it's a cat.
... To avoid seeing a fool, break your mirror.
... I am not a dictator.  It's just I have a grumpy face.
... Self-made man: A horrible example of unskilled labor.
... COFFEE.COM not found: A)dd more, R)eheat F)reak out.
... The more known about people, the more to admire in dogs.
... The worst thing about censorship is .
... The best defense against logic is stupidity.
... When everyone thinks alike, then everyone is stupid.
... As for me, all I know is that I know nothing.
... Only get the manual out after all possible keystrokes have failed.
... Waiting to overcome all objections, results in nothing.
... No answer is also an answer.
... The wrong way always seems the more reasonable.
... Bureaucracy: That place always in need of a laxative.
... A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.
... I am not an animal!  I am... well, not an animal.
... If this were an actual tagline, it might be funny.
... O Oysters come and walk with us, the Walrus did beseech.
... Surly to bed, and surly to rise.
... Call of the wild: "I'm armed and have suffered from PMS all my life."
... Some nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men
... There are no answers; at best, a few possibly good guesses.
... Shhhhhh.....the topic cops are coming!
... The only realities are the atoms and empty space.
... Silly Wabbit, QWKs are for kids.
... "But once you are real, you can't become unreal again."
... "Men, in general, are but great great children." -- Napoleon
... Noble deeds that are concealed are most esteemed.
... I am not arguing with you, I'm telling you.
... *NEWS FLASH*  Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
... Architecture is the art of how to waste space.
... All reality is aspect dependent.
... Childish Game: One at which your spouse beats you.
... Sandwich: An faulty attempt to make both ends meat.
... Memoirs are the backstairs of history.
... Since GOD spelled backwards is DOG, is my poodle Satan?
... Modesty is good bait when fishing for praise.
... I may not be perfect, but I am all I got!
... Most allies must be watched just like the enemy.
... Things could only be worse in Cleveland.
... Every child should be given the desire to learn.
... Save trees -- eat beavers.
... History repeats itself because nobody listens
... They who drink beer will think beer.
... Where do honey bees go potty?  At a BP station naturally.
... The woman cries before the wedding; the man afterward.
... Honesty: Fear of being caught.
... It's hard to believe it, but some teens are humans.
... A liar isn't believed even when he speaks the truth.
... Some thoughts are best guillotined before actions result.
... We're off doing beta, the wonderful beta of oooz
... Is wetter REALLY better?
... Monologue: A conversation between realtor and prospect.
... Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
... If you can't bite, don't show your teeth.
... ZMODEM has bigger bits, softer blocks, and tighter ASCII.
... We are in bondage to the law so that we may be free.
... If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
... Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
... Fat heads, lean brains.
... Politics: Passing the buck or passing the doe.
... That's not a bug, that's a feature.
... Love thy neighbor, but keep the hedge intact.
... I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid you're just a mirage.
... Time is precious, but truth is more so.
... OK, I'm weird! But I'm saving up to become eccentric.
... Hm..what's this red button foº½¯°·¼NO CARRIER
... Bad officials: elected by good citizens who fail to vote.
... The mind grows by what it feeds upon.
... This tagline stolen by Silly Little Mail Reader!
... It's okay to call someone stupid; just don't prove it.
... Only the stupidest calves chose their own butcher.
... Even the blind can see money.
... A thick head can do as much damage as a hard heart.
... A red nose can be the result of sunshine or moonshine.
... Few of us can stand prosperity -- someone else's.
... Genius: One who can do anything except earn a living.
... If you don't care where you are, then you can't get lost.
... Judge not a carpenter on how fast chips fly.
... Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
... If one cannot catch a bird of paradise, grab a wet hen.
... The highest bidder catches the most politicians.
... Adventure is the champagne of life.
... Getting a second chance is never a certainty.
... Everything changes except change itself.
... When in doubt, Cheat!
... "Man's the bad child of the universe." -- Oppenheim
... Jury: A group chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
... To be too clever is to be stupid.
... Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!
... Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
... The world is coming to an end!
... Don't steal.....Politicians hate competition.
... Reality: Only a concept and the home of the brave.
... Only they can conquer who believe they can.
... Nothing is ever constant, unless it's dead.
... We have resumed control...we have resumed control...
... Straight trees have crooked roots.
... It's easier to curse the candle than light the darkness.
... Cynicism is intellectual dandyism.
... Today is a day for making firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
... I've had BETA days... and nights!!!
... Happy couple: A deaf husband and a blind wife.
... Skeptics are seldom deceived.
... Let no good deed go unpunished.
... There is no defense except stupidity against a new idea.
... Fishing is a delusion surrounded by liars in old clothes.
... "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away.."
... Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
... Not everything more difficult is more meritorious.
... A gentleman can disagree without being disagreeable.
... On a clear disk you can seek forever.
... I had a dislocated funny bone, <OUCH> but it's better now
... Detour: The roughest distance between two points.
... Those without heads do not need hats.
... How many times do you need to be tolled anyway?
... It's 11:56 pm. Do you know where your modem is?
... Those who can, Do. Those who can't, Criticize.
... Raising your voice does not reinforce your argument.
... Dachshund: Half a dog high by a dog and a half long.
... When we can't dream the time for death has arrived.
... Only in your dreams are you really free.
... Time is the dressmaker specializing in alterations.
... What soberness conceals, drunkenness reveals.
... Users: Keep them dry and don't feed them after midnight.
... Character is much easier kept than recovered.
... If you don't eat garlic, they'll never smell it on you.
... Cats, proof that eating and sleeping isn't all bad.
... Dan Quayle: the EDLIN of ex-Vice-Presidents.
... Scrute the inscrutable;  eff the ineffable.
... Every hard-boiled egg is yellow inside.
... Apology is only egotism wrong side out.
... Silence is more eloquent at times than words.
... Outside noisy, inside empty.
... This fellow's wise enough to play the fool.
... Adult:  One old enough to know better.
... Excess is never enough.
... The cautious seldom err.
... The child had every toy his father wanted.
... Communication.. without it, everyone's a mushroom.
... I can resist anything except temptation.
... PCs are OK except when you use them as bowling balls.
... Stupidity is no excuse for not thinking.
... Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.
... If you don't fall down, you're not trying!
... The ripest fruit falls first..
... A great many family trees were started by grafting.
... The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
... Both of his feet are firmly planted in the air.
... Notice: All incoming fire has the right of way.
... To live now, first come to terms with your past.
... Learning makes people fit company for themselves.
... Where are those flashbacks they promised me?
... "Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo"
... Meetings are indispensable for not doing anything.
... SHIN: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
... The last 40c in your pocket will ALWAYS get a wrong number.
... A fool searches for a greater fool to find admiration.
... Are you waiting for your prey?
... "What are friends for?" -- Richard Nixon
... Wait!  That's the FORBIDDEN dance!
... Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards.
... Swell-head: Nature's frantic effort to fill a vacuum.
... A pest: A friend in need.
... Young gorillas are friendly, but they soon learn.
... Mischief all comes from too much opening of the mouth.
... Genealogy. Tracing descent from someone who didn't.
... The thing most generally raised on land is taxes.
... Everyone is a genius at least once a year.
... Criminal: One who gets caught.
... Even a philosopher gets upset with a toothache.
... Monotheism is a gift from the gods!
... Angling: The name given to fishing by non-fishermen.
... Remember................. Wherever you go, there you are.
... Mosquito: Designed to make flies seem better.
... As I was going up the stair, I met a man who wasn't there
... Obesity: A surplus gone to waist.
... This is a good day to let down old friends who need help.
... Women take to good hearted men. Also from.
... Hero-worship: Idol gossip.
... No person should govern another without their permission.
... Always do right: Gratify some and astonish the rest.
... Epitaph on a gravestone: Cheerio, see you soon.
... Many foxes grow gray, but few grow good.
... "Life has a great deal up its sleeve."
... Greed is good, greed works.
... Today I have grown taller from walking with the trees.
... If youth only had a chance or old age any brains.
... Well begun is half done.
... A big enough hammer fixes anything
... Use your enemy's hand to catch a snake.
... Politics: The glad hand and the marble heart.
... Many kiss the hand that they wish cut off.
... Money can't buy happiness, but allows a choice of misery.
... Freedom is a hard-bought thing; A gift no man can give.
... A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.
... That's right, try hard to be good at the game of life.
... Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!
... Carelessness does more harm than a want of knowledge.
... A KGB keyboard has no <ESC> key!
... Even the lion has to protect himself against flies.
... Friend: Anyone who has the same enemies you have.
... How much memory have you got?  One brain, one memory.
... Some settling may have occurred in shipping.
... Thousands of journeys have a start but no end.
... Drop your carrier...We have you surrounded!
... Only the rich have distant relatives.
... Teaching: Appearing to have known your subject forever.
... Do well, you hear it never. Do ill, hear it forever.
... A little truth helps the lie go down.
... What we have here is a failure to communicate.
... If I were here more often, I wouldn't be gone so much.
... It's only a hobby... only a hobby... only a.
... Fiction: It can't hold a scandal to biography.
... Charity begins at home, and mostly ends where it begins.
... Fishing rod: a hook at one end, a fool at the other.
... Tact is knowing how far to go in going too far.
... To be a human without passion is to be dead.
... The truth doesn't hurt unless it ought to.
... Fear not, for I have given you authority
... "Frankly my dear, I don't give a download!" -- Rhett Sysop
... If I die, I forgive you, if I recover, we shall see.
... Not now... I have to go mow the laundry.
... As long as I live, I shall be, myself, no other, just me.
... Trust me, would I lie to you..... TWICE?
... To whom should I go to for some self-help?
... Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
... I think that I'm the friendliest guy in my zipcode.
... --T-A+G-L-I+N-E--+M-E-A+S-U-R+I-N-G+--G-A+U-G-E--.
... It works better if you plug it in *AND THEN* turn it on.
... Youngsters remember anything if it happened or not.
... Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?
... The greater the ignorance the greater the dogmatism.
... Power is an illusion; only stupidity is real.
... Planned parenthood -- the impossible dream.
... We all live in a yellow subroutine.
... One who is in peril thinks with their legs.
... It is hereditary in my family to have no children.
... What is learned in youth is understood in age.
... ROM wasn't built in a day.
... He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
... Don't hate yourself in the morning; sleep till noon.
... There's no skeletons in my closet!
... A jerk present in a group indicates a jerk in charge.
... When uncertain, or in doubt, run in circles and scream.
... Instinct is intelligence incapable of self-consciousness.
... Corruption. The most infallible symptom of liberty.
... Human Being: An ingenious assembly of portable plumbing.
... Tact is the intelligence of the heart.
... Worry is the interest paid on trouble in advance.
... All rivers run into the sea, yet the sea is not full.
... Travel important today;  IRS men arrive tomorrow.
... A learned fool is more foolish than an ignorant fool.
... At 19, everything is possible; tomorrow looks friendly.
... When all else is lost, the future still remains.
... The worst hatred is that of relatives.
... One person's <grin> is another's <groan>.
... To tolerate everything is to teach nothing.
... The greatest cunning is to have none at all.
... Talking of bulls is not like being in the bull ring.
... The shortest answer is doing.
... A good memory is one trained to forget the trivial.
... The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
... Hi.  My name is Rover, I'll paint your car yellow free.
... A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.
... Society like air, is necessary but not complete for life.
... The best armor is to keep out of range.
... Too often justice is incidental to law and order.
... Not to know is bad, but not to wish to know is worse.
... The best doctor is the one you run for and can't find.
... Non-fiction often is more unrealistic than fiction.
... The trodden path is the safest.
... An accommodating vice is better than an obstinate virtue.
... Firmness in politics is called obstinacy in a donkey.
... Learning without thought is labor lost.
... A good scare is better than good advice.
... A lawyer's opinion is worth nothing unless paid for.
... A hen tomorrow is more valuable than an egg today.
... To do nothing is in every person's power.
... Acting without thinking is like shooting without aiming.
... A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it isn't written on
... If you find it, it is always in the last place you look.
... Love your enemies -- it makes them so damned mad.
... What good does it do an ass to be called a lion?
... I finally got it all together, but forgot where I put it
... Good printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
... Your sin, was it of omission, commission, or emission?
... I don't want it now, I want it RIGHT now!
... "To live long, it is necessary to live slowly." -- Cicero
... Difficult? I wish it had been impossible!
... Yield to temptation; It may not pass your way again.
... Spaghetti code = job security.
... My reality cheque just bounced.
... What the heck just happened here?
... Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
... Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.
... Retreat hell! We're just fighting in another direction.
... Humpty Dumpty DOS -- Just a shell of himself.
... DANGER! Human at keyboard!
... Drink! for you know not whence you came, nor why...
... To live well, know the difference between good and evil.
... Drink! for you know not why you go, nor where...
... Tact: Recalling a lady's birthday but forgetting her age.
... Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
... Happiness is no laughing matter.
... Custom is the law of fools.
... He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
... A hen who lays an egg cackles as if it was an asteroid.
... Philosophy: A route leading from nowhere to nothing.
... One lie always leads to another.
... I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous
... ATTENTION.............. Elvis has left the echo.
... The tree of liberty is watered with the blood of tyrants.
... A beard signifies lice, not brains.
... Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth.
... "What is a lie but the truth in masquerade." -- Byron
... All your future lies beneath your hat.
... A well-written life is as rare as a well-spent one.
... That concept looks like a chicken in a windstorm.
... Network management is like trying to herd cats.
... Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
... The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only heavier
... Stupidity has no limits, genius does.
... Better to understand little than misunderstand a lot.
... Think much, speak little, and write less.
... I'd like to live like a poor person with lots of money.
... It's love, it's love that makes the world go round.
... Usually insane; in lucid moments merely stupid.
... It is bad luck to be superstitious.
... Diplomacy: The patriotic lying for one's country.
... If you can't make it work, make a statistic of it.
... When you can't make it GOOD, make it BIG!
... Two writes don't make a novel!
... The wildest colts make the best steeds.
... Too many pages make a tome.
... Money: A mint makes it first and we try to make it last.
... Bigamist: One who makes the same mistake twice.
... A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a moose.
... A worthless wise man always charms the rabble.
... Man's inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn.
... "Every woman should marry -- and no man." -- Disraeli
... Fame: Chiefly a matter of dying at the right moment.
... What a day may bring, a day may take away.
... Scotty! Hurry! Beam me uragg^*úþœ NO CARRIER
... Never agree with me, it shakes my self confidence.
... Where you've been means much less than where you're going
... Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.
... "Love -- a grave mental disease." -- Plato
... To keep your milk sweet, leave it in the cow.
... Theater: Holding a mirror up to a keyhole.
... To understand other's miseries, look at their pleasures.
... Man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
... Computers don't make mistakes, but foolish people do.
... Flattery is counterfeit money, circulated by vanity.
... "Everything's got a moral if only you can find it."
... What fools these morals be!
... The wise learn more from fools than fools from the wise.
... He is the most sensible looking man talking nonsense.
... Leisure is the mother of philosophy.
... Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home!
... An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
... Honey in the mouth and knives in the heart.
... Civilization is a movement, it is a voyage not a harbor.
... You must know much before you know how little you know.
... You learn as much by writing as you do by reading.
... If you throw mud,  you will have dirty hands.
... None but a mule denies his family.
... With foxes we must play the fox.
... Philosophic enjoyment = mutual misunderstanding.
... I may have my faults, but being wrong ain't one of them.
... I use windows...on my car, on my house, but not on my...
... If you want my advice, pay me!
... hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
... Ethics is not necessarily the handmaiden of theology.
... Children have more need of models than of critics.
... Remember, the end never justifies the meanness.
... The sun is never the worse for shining on a dungheap.
... "Women and elephants never forget." -- Parker
... Just got a new car for my wife... Great trade...
... An atheist has no invisible means of support.
... Beauty faded has no second spring.
... Judicial reform is no sport for the short-winded.
... Where there is no shame, there is no honor.
... When we are not sure, we are alive.
... The past is not what it will be.
... The cinema is not a slice of life but a piece of cake.
... Closed eyes are not always sleeping.
... The future is not what it used to be.
... Incorrigible punster -- do not incorrige!
... The city is not a concrete jungle.  It is a human zoo.
... Education which is not modern, faces the organic fate.
... Honesty pays, but not enough for some.
... It's nobody's business, not even mine.
... A bigot will not reason, a fool cannot, a slave dare not.
... Art is vision not expression.
... One crow will not peck out another crow's eyes.
... All things change, nothing is extinguished.
... A hole is nothing, but you can break your neck in it.
... Man: There is nothing more miserable and more arrogant.
... Penguin: The headwaiter of the Antarctic.
... This open hand of desire wants everything.
... Vulgarity: The conduct of others.
... Oh well, half of one, six dozen of the other.
... In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
... A living example of Artificial Intelligence.
... Graveyards are full of the indispensable.
... a deluge of words and drop of sense.
... The only winner of the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
... A male rite of passage: Writing your name in the snow.
... Often the test of courage is not to die but to live.
... The eventual supremacy of reason should be accepted.
... Admiration: Polite recognition of self-reflection.
... Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
... Solve the problems of the world: Vote anarchist.
... Endocannibalism: The result of a really hungry cannibal.
... "The first sigh of love is the last of wisdom." -- Bret
... Every valuable idea offends someone.
... Lean books are often larded with the fat of others' works
... Blonde Mating Call:  Oh, I'm SO drunk [giggle]!!
... If you're too old to learn, you were born so.
... Marriages are based on believing you won the arguments.
... Since life goes on -- you might as well get on with it.
... Knowledge rests not on truth alone, but upon error also.
... The truth is one thing that nobody will believe.
... All for one; one for all; ME above all!
... An ass thinks one thing, his rider another.
... "Let's win this one and go home." -- George A. Custer
... An agreeable person: One who agrees with you.
... Life is an onion and one peels it crying.
... Don't shoot! I'm only the Casio player!
... Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
... Many receive advice, only the wise profit by it.
... People are the only creatures with the power of laughter.
... Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
... Drama in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.
... Radical: Anyone whose opinion differs from ours.
... Beware of the opinion of someone without any facts.
... Ever wonder why Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo?
... Lunatic asylum: where optimism most flourishes.
... Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
... Shame is an ornament to the young, a disgrace to the old.
... The best way out of a difficulty is through it.
... When puns are outlawed only outlaws will have puns
... "The only victory over love is flight." -- Napoleon
... I can't be overdrawn, I still have cheques!
... We make our own fortunes and call them our fate.
... Love truth but pardon error.
... Chance makes our parents, but choice makes our friends.
... Hello, I am part number ³ºÞº³º³Û³ºÝ³ºÝ³³.   <-- View with the Terminal font
... Confirmation of the past is often the greatest surprise.
... Tips: Wages we pay other people's hired help.
... All words are pegs on which to hang ideas.
... Guns don't kill people, off-line readers do.
... Of all the people I have met, you are certainly one
... Whenever Possible, Put People On Hold
... Sinner: A stupid person who gets found out.
... Strength of mind: Person who can eat one salted peanut.
... No sense being pessimistic.  It wouldn't work anyway.
... Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.
... "Man is a piece of the universe made alive." -- Emerson
... Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
... Restaurant: An eating place that does not sell drugs.
... Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
... Originality is undetected plagiarism.
... Reader not found, please notify tagline.
... It is double pleasure to deceive the deceiver.
... *NOW* is a point in time that is already gone.
... That was a pointing device? My cat thought it was dinner.
... The purification of politics is an iridescent dream.
... Ambition destroys its possessor.
... Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
... I do not pretend to know what the ignorant are sure of.
... A ounce of pretension = a pound of manure!
... As lacking in privacy as a goldfish.
... Morality is a private and costly luxury.
... College: Guarantee the quality of the product or return.
... Assumption #1: Dan Quayle is smarter than broccoli.
... Fax me no questions, I'll Fax you no lies!
... Sailors curse the rain that farmers prayed for in vain.
... f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgmmng
... I used to read books.  Now I read .qwk files.
... "Prejudice is the reason of fools." -- Voltaire
... Praise: What you receive when you are no longer alive.
... We are all related...relatively speaking
... Computers can never replace human stupidity.
... Art does not reproduce the visible; it makes visible.
... Disease is the retribution of an outraged nature.
... Actions are usually right, but the reasons seldom are.
... To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.
... Doubt is the root of education, not faith.
... Ostrich: He often runs so fast he leaves himself behind.
... Self-sacrifice: to sacrifice others without blushing.
... Art for art's sake is a philosophy of the well-fed.
... Nobody shoots at Santa Claus.
... If three people say you are an ass, put on a bridle.
... Today is the scene of the accident.
... Iron sharpens iron; scholar, the scholar.
... Art is I; Science is We.
... "Beam me aboard, Scotty." "Sure. Will a 4x2 do?"
... Put on your seatbelt.  I'm gonna try something new.
... All sentences that seem true should be questioned.
... A wise person sees as much as ought, not as much can.
... He is a self-made man, and worships his creator.
... "Everyone lives by selling something." -- R.L. Stevenson
... How do I set my Laser Printer to "Stun"?
... Boot & ye shall see. Replace & all will be made clear.
... He is a sheep in sheep's clothing.
... You realize how short a month is when you pay alimony.
... Movement To Ban Silly Tag Lines; Send Donations to: ME!!!!!!!!
... It is a sin peculiar to people to hate their victims.
... Money is the sinews of both love and war.
... Of all thirty-six alternatives, running away is best.
... If the family skeleton must remain, make it dance.
... There is a skeleton in every old house.
... Doctrine is the skin of truth set up and stuffed.
... Never trust a skinny cook.
... Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up.
... Don't be a snob. Never lie when truth is more profitable.
... Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
... My mind ain't so open that anything can crawl right in.
... Why are there so many gnarly limbs on my family tree?
... if you want someone to keep a secret, keep it yourself.
... Teamwork gives you someone else to blame.
... Nature, like people, sometimes weeps for gladness.
... It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.
... You may be Southern -- but you're no Comfort.
... Computers also eliminate spare time.
... She devotes her spare time to neglecting duties.
... Wit is the spice of conversation, not the food.
... Army food: The spoils of war.
... A word fitly spoken is like a beautiful apple of gold.
... All wiyht.  Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
... 43% of all statistics are totally worthless !!!
... Isn't there a statute of limitations on stupidity?
... DANGER! DANGER! Computer store ahead... hide wallet from self.
... A true diplomat struts sitting down.
... I can't be stupid, I completed third grade!
... Ignorance is temporary; stupid is forever.
... The race from stupidity is to the driven, not the swift.
... Malice is merely stupidity raised to a higher power.
... Earth: A solid substance, much desired by the seasick.
... There is no such thing as bravery; only degrees of fear.
... Error reading FAT Table...Try Skinny one ? (Y/N)
... Let's see your tagline hunting permit, sir.
... To steal this tagline press <CTRL>+<ALT>+<DEL> now.
... Not a real tagline, but an incredible soy substitute.
... The UARTs won't take this speed, Captain.
... "No, I didn't." -- Teddy Kennedy
... Only I can tell where my own shoe pinches me.
... Any fool can tell the truth, it takes sense to lie well.
... A person never tells you anything until contradicted.
... Enough research will tend to support your theory.
... "A lie is terminological inexactitude." -- Winston Churchill
... Sysoping: More fun than being beaten with a sledgehammer.
... Actions speak louder than words -- but not so often.
... I'm more humble than you are!
... Prevention is better than cure.
... Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
... Software, hardware, -- is that you talking Sigmund?
... SYSOP: The guy that is laughing at your typing!
... Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
... Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
... A thief believes that everybody steals.
... Only the hand that erases can write the true thing.
... Prune: A plum that has seen better days.
... Dan Quayle thinks that Cheerios are donut seeds.
... Echo: Only thing that cheats some out of the last word.
... You can't do that. It's been digitally cursed.
... Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
... "Logic is logic. That's all I say." -- Holmes
... Indiscriminate study bloats the mind.
... Hmmm, When is the last time the Tooth Fairy visited you?
... Every person is the architect of their own fortune.
... The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
... (A)bort, (R)etry, (S)mack the @#$&*~ thing!
... A bird in the hand's better than one overhead.
... Ancient custom has the force of law.
... Bastard toadflax: not the result of nearsighted horny toads.
... A pain in the butt may be a friend in need.
... A bird in the bush can't make a mess in your hand.
... The pen is the tongue of the mind.
... "Look at all the Indians!" -- General Custer
... Good taste is the flower of good sense.
... Applied emotion is the key to success with happiness.
... A book is the only immortality.
... My brother: "Wow! I can hold the big red round bit while I chew the stick!"
... The hole and the patch should be commensurate.
... A teetotaller makes the worst drunkard.
... We have met the enemy, and he's all yours!
... The proof is the phylogeny of plant-animal interactions.
... "Fountains mingle with the river, rivers with the ocean."
... Live so that the family parrot can live afterwards.
... Celery farmers play the stalk market.
... To live in the hearts we leave behind, is not to die.
... Parents: One of the hardships of a minor's life.
... I only wrote the thing, I don't have to understand it!
... Biography: One of the terrors of death.
... Hospitals: Places where the run down wind up.
... Yeah, but what's the speed of DARK?
... No one test the depth of a river with both feet.
... I have seen the future and it is now the past.
... Forget RTFM -- Call The Author At Home! (@ 23:45)
... Every person constructs their own bed of nails.
... Where law ends, there tyranny begins.
... Where's there's smoke, there's toast.
... I think... therefore I am overqualified.
... Mistrust first impulses, they are always good.
... Blessed our young they will inherit our national debt.
... Unbelief in one thing springs blind belief in another.
... Postscript: The only thing of interest in some letters.
... Nobody notices when things go right; I'm always noticed.
... Facts are stubborn things.
... No one can think clearly with clenched fists.
... The characters in this message are recyclable
... That was then, this is now.
... May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.
... He says a thousand pleasant things, but never "Adieu."
... Hollywood: A trip through a sewer in a glass bottom boat.
... Put off procrastinating till a later time.
... Yawn: The only time some men get to open their mouths.
... Mr. Bullfrog says: Time is fun when you're having flies.
... The longer the title, the less important the job.
... It is easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar.
... It is easy to propose impossible remedies.
... If worst comes to worst, you *CAN* turn most things off.
... It is easier to admire hard work if you don't do it.
... Modem.... A deterrent to those who advertise by phone.
... It is meaningless to speak of domesticating a child.
... Uh, yeah...I MEANT to do that!
... A noisy exhaust to some almost amounts to a mating call.
... When you go to the market, use your eyes, not your ears.
... Women's clothes: Go to extremes, seldom to extremities.
... It is hard to believe that even his friends like him.
... Never lean forward to push an invisible object.
... Luxury: Costs $7.69 to make and $20.00 to market.
... Dogmatism: Puppyism come to its full growth.
... Cleanliness is next to "clean-limbed," in the dictionary.
... Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
... What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
... Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
... It is better to know useless things than to know nothing.
... If people listened to themselves, they would shut up.
... It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.
... The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it
... The only way to judge the future is by knowing the past.
... We hired you to baby sit. You cooked and ate them BOTH?
... 'Tis the season to be punny......
... If you want to hide your face, walk naked.
... Flattery: Cologne water, to smell but not swallow.
... Are we supposed to be having fun yet?
... A person slow to anger is better than the mighty.
... Maybe it's right to be nervous now...
... If you try to be too sharp, you will cut yourself.
... The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
... It takes two to make a bargain.
... What grammar is to speech, logic is to reason.
... Stupid: Being unable to find your own butt in the dark.
... Here today, dawn tomorrow.
... Bubble, Bubble..Am I too late to jump the ship ??
... You cannot be too careful in the choice of your enemies.
... "Men know life too early, women too late" -- Wilde
... Seeing is believing, Touching is convincing..
... The first step towards philosophy is incredulity.
... Life is a tragedy for feelers and a comedy for thinkers.
... If it isn't true, at least it is a happy invention.
... Legal Marijuana needs true glaucoma patients.
... The course of true anything never does run smooth.
... What is the True meaning of DOS?
... Without love and trust all you can be in life is alone.
... Autobiography: Unrivalled telling truth about others.
... When choosing between two evils, select the newer one.
... Hypocrisy is the type of homage vice pays to virtue.
... This tagline is umop apisdn.
... She has been under more drunken sailors than a head.
... With consequences,  the unexpected always predominate.
... Sculptor: A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts.
... Always remember you're unique -- just like everyone else.
... Anybody can win, unless there is a second entry.
... Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
... It's not over until the FAT table sings
... We NEVER grow up, we just get older, and older, and...
... Hey! Don't pick up that phoׯ»’ችÃÒç  NO CARRIER
... Contraceptives: to be used on all conceivable occasions.
... What results from using spot remover on your dog Spot?
... A father is usually a banker provided by nature.
... This tagline no verb.
... Seriousness is the very next step to being dull.
... Two of perfect virtue: one dead, the other yet unborn.
... No wanna work.  Wanna bang on keyboard.
... The fewer our wants, the more we resemble the gods.
... The bird of war is not the eagle but the stork.
... Oh, pardon me, was that *your* culture? So sorry.
... Oh that?  It was playing leap frog with a unicorn.
... WARNING... drinking tap water may kill your thirst!
... Everyone meets their Waterloo at last.
... Hug: A roundabout way of expressing affection.
... Hick: Looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
... The world, as we know it, has come to an end!!
... Madam, an error, we did a hysterectomy on your husband
... We're lost, but we're making good time.
... Illustrate your Sermons! Wear "Far Side" ties.
... My Hard Disk went on a diet and lost its FAT
... What if there were no hypothetical situations?
... To excel at what you do, you must love doing it.
... Used Car: Not what it is jacked up to be.
... A Macintosh is a computer with training wheels you can't remove.
... How time flies, when you are in a heap of problems..
... Wear old clothes when you fight for truth and liberty.
... Public opinion flourishes where there are no ideas.
... Wedding: A funeral where you smell your own flowers.
... A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.
... Resort: A place where the tired grow more tired.
... Gnaw the bone which has fallen to thy lot.
... Think hard now!  Which one is Shinola?
... Never trust anyone who speaks well of everyone.
... Yes-men: Fellows who hang around the man nobody noes.
... Creditor: A man who has a longer memory than a debtor.
... "They also serve who only stand and wait."
... Hobo: A person who builds palaces and lives in shacks.
... They are slaves who fear to speak for the fallen & weak.
... Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
... Golfer: A person who hits and tells.
... Honest Politician: One who stays bought.
... No generalisation is wholly true, not even this one.
... Cities, like cats, will reveal themselves at night.
... Faint hearts never win in love nor sell life insurance.
... From listening comes wisdom, from speaking, repentance.
... Many possess the wisdom of many and only the wit of one.
... Adversity makes people wise but not rich.
... Some are weather-wise, some are otherwise.
... How dieth the wise man? As the fool.
... "But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer, Gie her a haggis!"
... Think carefully before wishing, it might just come true.
... I'm a hero with coward's legs.
... (A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer.
... Repartée: An insult with a suit and tie on.
... The only argument with the wind is to put on a coat.
... Tabloid: A newspaper with a permanent crime wave.
... Kibitzer: A person with an interferiority complex.
... Memories keep the wolf of insignificance from the door.
... Think and you won't sink.
... Software independent: Won't work with ANY software.
... Minds, like parachutes, work only when open.
... It's better the world wonder why you *AREN'T* President.
... "Men die and worms eat them -- but not for love" -- Shakespeare
... Some cures are worse than the disease.
... If it's not worth doing, it's not worth doing well.
... A hangover  the wrath of grapes
... Biography should be written by an acute enemy.
... Abandon all hope, ye who press <--' here
... All hope abandon, ye who enter messages here.
... Dollars cannot buy yesterday.
... Do well and you will have no need for ancestors.
... The hard disk you save may be your own.
... If at first you don't succeed; Blame everyone else
... If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
... If at first you doubt, doubt again.
... Simple rule: If you don't treat me right, shame on you.
... If at first you doubt, doubt again, and again...
... Youthful figure: What you get when asking a woman's age.
... Hotel: A place you give good dollars for bad quarters.
... If I were you, who'd be me?
... It is when you take for yourself that you truly take.
... Synonym: A word you use when you can't spell the original one.
... Spring makes everything young again except humans.
... You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.
... A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.
... Without my ignorance, your knowledge would be meaningless
... You can't eat your friends and have them too.
... Middle age: When your age starts to show at your middle.
... Before advising "Be yourself!" reassess his character.
... Borgasm. The ecstasy of being assimilated.
... Tetris tagline: ÛÛ  ÜÛÜ  ÜÜÜÜ  ÜÛß  ÛÜÜ  ßÛÜ  ÜÜÛ      <-- View with the Terminal font
... The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously
... #$# HomerDos Error: Insufficent donuts located
... Help decrease moderator unemployment: post off-topic.
... If it wasn't for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL and OBOL!
... I know a good tagline when I steal one.
... I can't be wrong; my modem is error-correcting.
... Support Free Trade... Smuggle!
... I hit the [CTRL] key but I'm still not in control.
... alt.cookery.swedish.chef.coleslaw.cabbage.blunderbuss.boom.boom
... Type EXIT to return to reality.
... Last year many people were caused by accidents
... SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
... Open mouth, insert foot, echo internationally.
... The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
... With friends like these, who need hallucinations?
... I know for sure that I am always wrong
... Cliche: the sound a French door makes when closing.
... Damn the documentation, full speed ahead!
... "And the mage draws her two handed sword."   "We're in trouble."
... "And then you turn the corner," as the DM chuckles...
... "But where does the water buffalo fit in?" -- Vladmyr Tethosh
... "DMs lie." -- AD&D Players' Golden Rule
... "Don't worry.  Nothing ever happens at first level."
... "Geez... have you ever seen so many frigging Orcs?  Guys?  Guys?"
... "Gosh, I bet that dragon bite really smarts!"
... "Humph!  Bugger off!" -- Dwarven Proverb.
... "I could always kill you and ask your corpse." -- Strahd
... "I couldn't *find* any traps."
... "Never swallow a Halfling." -- Half-Giant Proverb
... "Not me.  I thought *you* were mapping!"
... "Of course I'm a wizard, son.  I've got a tall pointy hat!"
... "Oh, great, a chasm.  Okay, who's got the rope?"
... "This looks like a safe place to camp."
... "Uh... Why did our torch flame just turn blue?"
... A dagger in the back will cramp any wizard's style!
... Bard, smard.  I want a fighter.
... *BOOM*   So much for the find traps roll.
... Carpe DM:  Sieze the Dungeon Master.
... Chain Lightning:  For when you just can't stop at one.
... DM Advice:  Cast Detect Magic on a TSR module and it'll explode.
... DM Advice:  Conan cannot safely be translated to AD&D stats.
... DM Advice:  Dead monsters are *always* naked and penniless.
... DM Advice:  Never kill a character without first humiliating him.
... DMs don't lie, they just arrange the facts to suit themselves.
... DMs Lie Alot. Players just Cheat.
... Giant Space Werehamster.
... Magically Endowed Polka-Dotted Sabre-Toothed Giant Space Hamster.
... Magma Giant Space Hamster.
... Miniature Giant Russian Dwarf Giant Space Hamster.
... *Munchkins* cast Control Cthulhu.
... Poisonous Displacer Adamantine Giant Space Hamster.
... Quick!  You!  Make a Fright Check at -6 now!
... Van Richten's Guide to Rabid Beaver Zombies.
... Vegepygmy... And I thought bugbear was bad.
... Good programmers write good code; great programmers 'borrow' good code.
... Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
... There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
... Every morning is the dawn of a new error
... The beatings will continue until morale improves.
... I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
... There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
... I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
... Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
... A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
... I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
... If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
... Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
... If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
... It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
... Look out for #1.  Don't step in #2.
... Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
... 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
... C:\DOS   C:\DOS\RUN   RUN\DOS\RUN
... Best file compression around:  "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
... The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
... Access denied -- nah, nah na NAH nah!
... Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
... Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
... Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
... Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
... RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
... Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
... Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
... "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981
... Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
... Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
... My hard disk is full! Maybe I'll try this message section thing.
... Why is it that sellotape sticks well to nothing except human skin?
... "The grass is always greener near the outhouse."
... I haven't lost my mind. I have it backed up on disk somewhere!"
... "Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?"    "Not *today*, sir, no."
... No one expects the Spammish Repetition!  Spam!  Spam!  Spam!
... When you kill the electric penguin the blood goes PSSCHHHHH in slow motion
... Borg Simpson:   Assimilate my shorts!
... "Go ahead, flame me.  I'm wearing...asbestos underwear!"
... "I am Al Bundy of Borg....Aw Peg!  We just assimilated last month!"
... It's not hard to meet expenses.  They're everywhere.
... Explore the galaxy, meet new alien races, blow them up!
... TV?  That's the thing that looks like a computer monitor?
... I am Amnesia of Borg: Resistance is..um..something..something..assimilated.
... How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise MY hand!
... This universe is just a test.  The real one starts soon.
... "If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer." -- Ace Ventura
... "I am Shakespeare of Borg.  Prepare to be, or not to be."
... "I am Barney of Borg. Today we learned that resistance is useless."
... Any computer equipment, when running correctly, is obsolete.
... This is not a tagline. It's just highly coincidential line noise.
... "Yoda of Borg am I. Futile resistance is. Assimilated you _will_ be."
... "Bother," said Pooh, as he was impregnated by a Xenomorph.
... I am Atog of Borg: Resistance is futile. Your Artifacts will be eaten...
... I doubt... therefore I may be
... I am Basilisk of Borg: Resistance is futile. You will be stoned...
... Oh sure!  But what's the speed of dark?
... "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity." -- Hanlon's Razor
... "We are Null Pointer of Borg: Dereference is futile!"
... I am Dalek of Borg:  A-SIM-A-LATE!!  A-SIM-A-LATE!!
... "What does it pay?"  "We're union. All the chicken heads... YOU CAN EAT!"
... The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.
... Rules to live by. #27: Never get behind on your payments at the voodoo shop
... Sometimes reality seems so near, I feel I could reach out and touch it
... According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
... "The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."
... I'll quit gaming when you pry the dice from my cold, stiff fingers.
... (Void where prohibited by common sense)
... All opinions are my own. Anyone that uses my opinions owes me royalties.
... Remember, if you're sane enough to say you aren't, then you might not be. ?
... Book (n): a utensil used to pass time while waiting for the TV repairman.
... Erotic(adj): using a feather as a sex aid.  Kinky(a): using the whole duck.
... Show me a Mahamoti and a Healing Salve, and I'll show you a djinn and tonic
... There's always one more SOB than you counted on.
... Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
... "Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn."
... Sorry, a fatal error has occurred.  You're dead.
... TV Truth:  No matter how much trouble you're in, you can get out.
... "Bother," said Pooh, as Piglet sacrificed him to the dark gods.
... "Bollo^G^G^Gther," said Pooh, on his VT220 emulator.
... C:\BELFRY -- where a true DOS nut keeps his/her .BAT files
... I am electronics engineer of Borg: Resistance is Useless (if < 1 ohm)
... As easy as 3.14159265897932384626433827950288419716...
... Alcohol and calculus do not mix -- DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
... Wizards' Guild Parking Only -- Violators Will Be Toad.
... To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
... "The future is like a baboon's behind; colorful and full of shit."
... All together now: "I will think for myself."
... I am Homer of Borg: Resistence is futile. You will be assim...mmmm...donuts
... Ignorance is curable, but most people refuse treatment.
... What do you mean you "formatted" the cat?
... "I was going to write a book on procrastinati
... Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine......
... Veni, vidi, vamoose:  I came, I saw, I left!
... "You're suffering from a post-traumatic, schizoholic, brain blister!" -- Ren
... Hey!  I just got front row tickets to a Disaster Area concert!
... "This message is 98% .sig free."
... .sdnahruoynoemithcumootyawevahuoygnihtelohwsihtdaeruoyfI
... "Bother," said Pooh as the aardvarks trampled him.
... 2*3*3*37 -- The prime factorization of the beast.
... Life is a Rube Goldberg device; I hope the monkey can hold out for a while.
... Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
... If you open your mind too much, your brain will fall out.
... This message may settle improperly during transit.
... Don't question authority; it doesn't know either.
... "I am insane.  It gives me an edge ;)" -- Rick Bleiweiss
... ERROR #255: Replace user and press any key to continue.
... "Build something idiot proof, and someone will build a better idiot!"
... This tagline will self-destruct in 15 seconds.....
... The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.  Oh, and bears of course.
... "Diplomacy is the art of letting others have your way."
... "Life is far too serious to be taken seriously."
... "Censorship can't eliminate evil, it can only kill freedom"
... "You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely."
... Blah, blah, blah, yackity, shmackity, you get the idea...
... "All extremists should be shot."
... "Loyalty to petrified opinion never broke a chain or freed a human soul."
... "Ugly hat, ugly shoes... is it any wonder I got the blues?"
... "Avoid cliches like the plague!"
... "It's not denial.  I'm just very selective about the reality I accept."
... "It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved a red-hot cactus up my nose"
... "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be NICE."
... Finagle's Fourth Rule: In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
... Life after death?  Is it like terminate and stay resident?
... Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.
... Your sole purpose in life may be simply to serve as a warning to others.
... Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
... "What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man?"
... Bones: "Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor, not a quote"
... Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "Go to hell" in such a way that he looks forward to the trip.
... When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
... Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
... Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
... Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
... The unspoken motto of the Garage: "If it ain't broke, we'll break it."
... Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
... What has four legs and an arm?                    A happy pit bull.
... Engineers' credo: "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
... "Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes."
... The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but  "That's funny..." --  Isaac Asimov
... No one is listening until you make a mistake.
... The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
... "I hate therefore I am" -- Marilyn Manson
... "Jesus built my car.  It's a love affair -- mainly Jesus and my hot rod" -- Ministry
... "What in the name of ARSE is going on here?" -- Rowan Atkinson, in "The Tall Guy"
... What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
... What does ignorant mean?
... What does this red button do?
... What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
... What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
... What goes up has probably been doused with petrol.
... When in doubt, think.
... When shooting a mime, do you use a silencer?
... When their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the dwarfs began to suspect "Hungry"
... Whoops, stepped on a frog.
... Why are you wasting time reading taglines?
... Why did you read this?
... How do you know it's summer in Seattle?  The rain's warm!
... And then there's Pantera.
... If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
... Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
... What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
... I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
... If you can't convince them, confuse them.
... I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
... Multitasking: screwing up several things at once.
... If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer!
... Beat the 5 o'clock rush; Leave work at noon!
... I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
... How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
... Please return Stewardess to original upright position.
... Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
... I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
... Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
... Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!
... For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
... Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
... Dear Santa, all I want is your list of naughty girls.
... Kurt Cobain Beer: it's extremely bitter and it has no head.
... MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe."
... How does Teflon stick to the pan?
... A cat will assume the shape of the container it is packed into.
... Never cross a road after eating chicken.
... "We exist in a world where the fear of illusion is real" -- The Tea Party
... "Kiss me where it smells funny" -- The Bloodhound Gang
... "I'm still gonna look like crap though.  Can't polish a turd." -- Helen Razer
... "There is no light at the end of the tunnel.  There's just Milk and Cheese, with a net and a meat hook" -- Evan Dorkin
... "I'm waving my dick in the wind" -- Ween
... "You weren't listening?  Who's the dickhead then!?" -- Fish, Critical Mass presenter
... "But then, it's the '90s.  The Chipmunks would be on speed." -- Fish, Critical Mass presenter
... "And on a more tasteful note...  A blind proctologist walks into a pie eating contest." -- Duckman
... "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
... "I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
... "I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy."
... "The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes."
... "Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
... "Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!"
... "I once tried to microwave instant coffee, and went back in time."
... "'Intel Inside'...The world's most widely used warning label."
... EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
... Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
... The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
... Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
... He who laughs last thinks slowest!
... A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
... Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
... I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
... Assassins do it from behind.
... Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
... Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
... Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
... Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality cheque?
... Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
... We have enough youth -- how about a fountain of SMART?
... All generalizations are false, including this one.
... "Criminal lawyer" is a redundancy.
... I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
... We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
... Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
... Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
... Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
... If you are psychic -- think "HONK."
... I love animals -- they taste great.
... Is he for real?  No.  He's a Hologram
... Just because they are out to get you, doesn't mean you should care.
... "The first thing we do, lets kill all the lawyers." -- Shakespeare, Henry VII
... "Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." -- Jeff Berner
... "Earth Heros don't die, they just reappear in sequels."
... "Today's weird newsgroup: alt.penguin-fetish.recovery"
... "Buggered by the bat-winged sex dwarf of Zanzibar"
... "Those who do not learn from Dilbert are doomed to repeat it."
... "A couple of hours on the Internet can frequently save a couple of minutes in the library"
... "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
... Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line
... 2 rules to success in life. 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
... A good pun is its own reword.
... A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.
... After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.
... Alcoholic:  Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
... All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
... Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
... Apathy Error:  Don't bother striking any key.
... Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
... Can you think of another word for "synonym"?
... Circle:  A line that meets its other end without ending.
... Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction.
... Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
... Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
... Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
... Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.
... Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
... Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
... Does Time pass? Yes, it does. How else can you explain Visa bills?
... Don't use no double negatives, not never.
... Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
... Don't eat the yellow snow.
... Down with categorical imperatives.
... Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
... Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
... Everything in moderation, including moderation.
... Familiarity breeds children.
... Fast, Cheap, Good:  Choose any two.
... Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
... "Give me chastity and continence, but not just now." -- St. Augustine
... Have an adequate day.
... He has the heart of a little child...  it's in a jar on his desk.
... He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
... He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
... Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
... Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.
... Hospitality:  Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.
... How come wrong numbers are never busy?
... I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
... I do a lot of thinking in the john. Says a lot for my thoughts.
... "I have had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
... "I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer." -- Albran
... I like work; it fascinates me.  I can sit and look at it for hours.
... "I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad." -- Allen
... "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception." -- Marx I
... will meet you at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
... I never made a mistake in my life.  I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
... I used to be lost in the shuffle.  Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
... I want to die in my sleep like my father, not screaming like his passengers.
... I will always love the false image I had of you.
... I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
... I would like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?
... If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
... If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
... If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
... If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
... If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
... "If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?" -- Art Hoppe
... If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
... If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
... Illiterate?  Write for free help.
... In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
... It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
... "It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education." -- Albert Einstein
... It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
... "It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one." -- Phil White
... It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
... I'll procrastinate...tomorrow.
... I'll race you to China.  You can have a head start.  Ready, set, GO!
... Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
... Keep stress out of your life.  Give it to others instead.
... Knocked; you weren't in.  -- Opportunity
... "Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions." -- Henry Camp
... Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
... Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.
... Lead me not into temptation.  I can find it myself.
... Life is like a fountain...  I will tell you how when I figure it out.
... Life is like an analogy.
... Make a firm decision now...  you can always change it later.
... Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
... May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
... Money DOES talk -- it says "good-bye".
... Most of us hate to see a poor loser. Rich winners, though, are worse.
... Mr. Bullfrog sez:  Time is fun when you're having flies.
... My name is Annie Key. Ouch! Why are you hitting me?!
... My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
... My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
... Never deprive someone of hope; it may be all they have.
... Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
... Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
... Never hit a man with glasses.  Use your fist.
... Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.
... No prizes for predicting rain.  Prizes only awarded for building arks.
... Nobody ever goes there, it's too crowded. (I've actually HEARD this!)
... Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
... One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
... "Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing." -- Roy Ash
... Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
... People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
... Politics: n. from Greek; "poli"--many; "tics"--ugly, bloodsucking parasites.
... Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.  (Anything in Latin sounds profound.)
... Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
... Someday you will get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
... Sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield.
... "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." -- Sigmund Freud
... Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
... That was Zen; this is Tao.
... The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
... The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you have it made.
... The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
... The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
... The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
... There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
... There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to life.
... They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
... This aphorism would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
... This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
... "This is the sort of English up with which I will not put." -- Winston Churchill
... This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
... To err is human.  To admit it is a blunder.
... To err is human.  To blame someone else for your errors is even more human.
... "Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark." -- Rilla May
... Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
... Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under communism, it is just the opposite.
... We aren't sure how clouds form.  But they know, that is what counts.
... "What is mind?  No matter.  What is matter?  Never mind." -- Thomas Key
... "What if there were no hypothetical situations?" -- Andrew Kohlsmith
... When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
... When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you.
... Where there is a will, there is an Inheritance Tax.
... Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves?
... Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
... Why take life seriously? You're not coming out of it alive anyway!
... Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it's said?
... Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
... You simply *must* stop taking other people's advice.
... You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.
... You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You will learn a lot today.
... Your lucky number is 364958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
... "Unix doesn't stop you from doing stupid things because that would stop you from doing clever things"
... Back Up My Hard Drive?  How do I Put it in Reverse?
... I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.
... When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
... Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
... Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
... I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
... He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
... She's always late.  Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
... You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
... I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
... Honk if you love peace and quiet.
... Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
... Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
... A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
... Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
... Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
... On the other hand, you have different fingers.
... Change is inevitable.  Except from a vending machine.
... "Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps" -- Emo Phillips
... "It's been lovely, but I have to scream now" -- Bumper sticker
... "It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you" -- Bumper sticker
... "Beer isn't just for breakfast any more" -- Bumper sticker
... "Don't steal -- The government hates competition" -- Bumper sticker
... "I need someone really bad -- Are you really bad?" -- Bumper sticker
... "Friends don't let friends drive naked" -- Bumper sticker
... "If money could talk, it would say goodbye" -- Bumper sticker
... "If it's too loud, you're too old" -- Bumper sticker
... "Who cares who's on board?" -- Bumper sticker
... "Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it" -- Bumper sticker
... "So many pedestrians, so little time" -- Bumper sticker
... "Honk if you're illiterate" -- Bumper sticker
... It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put the boogers.
... It's not how you pick it, but where you flick it
... "Go ahead and honk -- I'm reloading" -- Bumper sticker
... "but I would be inclined to point my back at it, and run. Screaming." -- David Manchester
... "I'm not A bitch, I'm THE bitch, and that's MISS bitch to you!" -- Rebecca Kirkman
... "Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." -- Albert Einstein
... "If your development tools don't suck, you're not on the bleeding edge." -- Overheard at JavaOne opening reception
... Eagles may fly, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
... I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
... Demons are a ghoul's best friend            (think about it)
... "If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work.  The voices told me to clean all the guns today."
... "I can't get to work because the dog ate my car keys.  We're going to hitchhike to the vet."
... "Some people are only alive because its illegal to kill them."
... "They can't break you if you don't have a spine" -- Wally's motto in Dilbert
... "Is it a bad sign if you spend the day wondering why there are no laws against what you do for a living?" -- Dilbert
... "Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day." -- Scott Adams
... Deja Moo:  The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
... "He's got a million boxes full of sound on pieces of tape about _that_ long" -- Triple J sound bite
... "Mother Nature's a _Mad_Scientist_, Jerry!" -- Kramer in Seinfeld
... Marcus was later found under the bed, squealing like a rat in a rockcrusher
... "I like my sugar with coffee and cream" -- The Beastie Boys
... Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
... "The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance." -- Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory
... "Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE"
... "Logic:  The art of being wrong with confidence..."
... If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
... Programming is an art form that fights back.
... My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
... To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
... "Today I traded my work ethic for a banana." -- Dilbert  "I ate that banana years ago." -- Wally
... Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
... He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
... The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
... John and Mary had never met.  They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
... The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
... McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
... "Screw you guys; I'm goin' home." -- Eric Cartman, in South Park
... "What was that popping sound?" -- Dilbert  "A paradigm shifting without a clutch" -- Dogbert
... To err is human; effective mayhem requires the root password.
... "You sons of cheap, second-hand, electric donkey-bottom biters!" -- The Frenchman, in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
... "This relationship's got to be about something, and fast, or I'm in very serious and _weird_ trouble" -- George in Seinfeld
... "Existence is a calculated risk :)" -- Mikolaj Habryn
... "Everything's legal in Mexico...  It's the American way!" -- Jimbo in South Park
... Nothing is as simple as it seems at first, or as hopeless as it seems in the middle, or as finished as it seems in the end.
... "It's a mistake trying to cheer up camels.  You may as well drop meringues into a black hole" -- Terry Pratchett
... "Remember: it ain't over 'til the fat lady checks into a cheap hotel with Pops!" -- Pops, in "Dirty Work"
... "What else is on?" "Yeah, let's see what else is on." "Where's the TV guide?" -- The 2 garage attendants, at the end of "The Truman Show"
... "I'm charging you under Section 23 of the Strange Sketches Act" -- Inspector Thompson's Gazelle (Graham Chapman), in Monty Python's Flying Circus
... Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't go wrong at once.
... The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
... Virus scan initiated . . . . . completed.  All viruses functioning normally.
... Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
... You are in a maze of testy little Java VMs, all diferent.
... "see also {big win}, which isn't quite just an intensification of `win'" -- From :win: in the Hackers' Jargon File, v4
... "Any place with an all-night, drive-through taxidermist has got to be weird" -- Billy Connolly, about LA
... When in doubt, doubt.  It's what sets us apart from the animals.  (If you define animals as Politicians and Technocrats)
... "This space intentionally fnord left blank" -- <http://onastick.net/>
... "A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'"
... I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
... Time paradoxes will have given me a headache.
... "The sublime and the ridiculous are often so nearly related that it is difficult to class them separately." -- Tom Paine
... "The answer, I think, lies in explosives. It's been said that there is no problem that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.  Now if I can only figure out how to send them via e-mail..." -- Vince Sabio, HumourNet Moderator
... "Such were the perverse mysteries of assembler programming." -- From :AOS: in the Hackers' Jargon File, v4
... "Security-wise, NT is a server with a "Kick me" sign taped to it." -- Peter Gutmann
... BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
... Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
... 34 Different Ways to Annoy People... Number 11: Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
... "Only wimps use tape backup: _real_ men just upload their important stuff on ftp, and let the rest of the world mirror it"
... UNIX is user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are.
... "In the computer industry, there are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and benchmarks." -- From :benchmark: in the Hackers' Jargon File, v4
... Coca-Cola: the only substance known to science with a sugar content higher than that of sugar
... Dogbert's tech support: "You'll need to do a hard reboot.  Listen carefully.  Rent a van and fill it with stolen dynamite.  Park it near the power company's main relay station."  "Can we talk?" -- Dilbert  "...now aim the bazooka at the van." -- Dogbert
... Indian roulette: played with a flute & 6 large cobras, one of which is deaf
... "You can tell a bigot, but you can't tell him much." -- From :bigot: in the Hackers' Jargon File, v4
... "Jazz is what you get when you push a blues quartet down a long flight of stairs"
... "Where am I, and what am I doing in this handbasket?"
... "Do you ever feel like we're driving the getaway car?" -- Wally, in a Pointy Haired Boss meeting
... *load shotgun* -- David Campbell, in a thread about SCSI device numbering
... "I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel." -- Peter by way of Ryan Winter
... "Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly." -- Henry Spencer, University of Toronto Unix hack
... "Warning: Out of Cheese Error.  Please reinstall universe and Reboot."
... "To be sure of hitting your target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
... "Did Ghandi really say 'Get that #!*% dessert cart off my foot!'?" -- Dilbert  "He might have." -- Dogbert
... "This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence!" -- Vyvyan, from the Young Ones
... "As you retain your state and call it virtue, you are deteriorating the value of mankind." -- aempirei
... "Failure requires no preparation" -- The Sandman
... "Linux: The choice of a GNU generation"
... "Four words: Pez, whips, Uma Thurman"
... "!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH"
... Everything I know in life I learnt from .sigs.
... REMEMBER: The toes you step on today, may well be attached to the legs that support the arse you need to kiss tomorrow.
... Hi! I'm a .signature virus! Copy me into your ~/.signature, please!
... "Question: If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?" -- Gary Larson, The Far Side
... Biting weevils by moonlight, Eating bugs by daylight, Never running from a food fight, She is the one named Sailor Hedgehog!
... "Can I speak to your superior?" -- luser  "There's some religious debate on that question" -- Dogbert, tech support
... "Corporations are not evil. That kind of anthropomorphism is inappropriate. Corporations are too stupid to be evil, only people can be that." -- jwz
... "Quantum Mechanics:  The dreams stuff is made of." -- Steven Wright
... "Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view." -- Steven Wright
... "Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film." -- Steven Wright
... "Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding." -- Steven Wright
... "Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.  Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl." -- Mike Adams
... "GNU does not eliminate all the world's problems, only some of them." -- The GNU Manifesto
... Microsoft SELLS you Windows, Linux GIVES you the whole house
... Never position a rock near a hard place.
... Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
... A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
... When you're having a bad day and it seems like people are trying your patience to no end, remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger on a decent sniper rifle.
... "If I had of only known, I would have been a locksmith" -- Albert Einstein
... Microsoft is to software what McDonalds is to gourmet cooking."
... "The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense." -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
... "Even the most primitive society has an innate respect for the insane." -- Mickey Rourke
... Unix is like a wigwam -- no Gates, no Windows, and an Apache inside.
... This is like TV. I don't like TV.
... "Almost all programming can be viewed as an exercise in caching"
... Sometimes I wake up grumpy.  Other times I let her sleep.
... I still miss my ex.  But my aim is getting better!
... I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her.
... First draw the curve, then plot the data.
... A closed mouth gathers no foot.
... Losing a wife can be hard.  In my case it was almost impossible.
... When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
... "As we stumble around like blind moles on a glacier, a few things leap up and bite us on our poorly insulated fundaments" -- Richard Jenkins
... "Thood for fought." -- Richard Jenkins
... I'm not too interested in caller ID.  But caller IQ, I'll pay a lot for that!
... my, my... no sig! do I detect the Hand of Gates?
... "There never was a good war or a bad peace" -- Benjamin Franklin
... "Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing." -- Wernher von Braun
... Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
... All we see and all we seem is but a dream within a dream.
... [Squawk] Pieces of eight!  [Squawk] Pieces of eight!  [Squawk] Pieces of eight!  [Squawk] Pieces of nine!  SYSTEM HALTED: parroty error!
... Unfortunately, since I went on the wagon, the wagon went and got a liquor licence.
... When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes"; but not with you.
... Sure you can't take it with you. But you can stash it where no other bastard can find it.
... "I, for one, am thinking that perhaps a General Meeting should be called to analyse this inbred mutant of a policy, and perhaps also to analyse the current committee for monitor radiation-induced mental defects." -- Barnaby Brown
... "I don't think its valid to use your mental problems as an excuse for your perverse behaviour" -- Ian McKellar
... "Perl is the COBOL of the '90s" -- David Basden
... "I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes." -- Richard Nixon
... "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Dan Quayle
... "Hell, there are no rules here!... We're trying to accomplish something." -- Thomas Edison.
... "Gunshot victim's life saved by breast implant" -- I think this headline (and the fact that it is news) says so much about what is wrong with the 20th century
... Recalcitrant error.  Abort, Retry, Influence with large hammer?
... If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
... "This is not the Land of Oz, so there's no Wizard handing out brains." -- Procmail UNSUBSCRIBE FAQ by Sean Straw
... This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons"
... "There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want." -- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)
... "Fame has a lot of problems only weird, sophisticated New York psychiatrists understand." -- Courtney Love
... "You dance like you're hypnotising chickens." -- Iggy Pop
... An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds.  A pessimist is sure of it!
... "A designer knows he has achieved perfection not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." -- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
... "You can fool too many of the people too much of the time" -- James Thurber
... "I guarantee you there is no station policy which succinctly states that announcers should not endorse children licking paint."  "Strangely enough, I think by tomorrow, there just might be."
... "Toss that ham in the frying pan." -- Cypress Hill, /Hits from the Bong/
... "If this is a singing lesson, I'm a ring tailed monkey." -- Triple J sound bite
... "A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." -- Tim Allen
... I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
... It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
... Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
... Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
... Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
... If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
... "As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell" -- _Survival_Guide_for_the_Supernatural_
... "The RIAA can eat a bowl of dicks." -- Ice T
... "I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else." --  Winston Churchill
... "This vulnerability is completely theoretical!" -- Microsoft
... Today's Excuse: Interferance from the Van Allen Belt.
... Today's Excuse: The electricity substation in the car park blew up.
... Work comebacks #1: Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
... Work comebacks #2: I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
... Work comebacks #3: I have plenty of talent and vision.  I just don't give a fuck.
... Work comebacks #4: I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
... Work comebacks #5: What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!?
... Work comebacks #6: I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
... Work comebacks #7: I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.
... Work comebacks #8: You've said three words and I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
... Work comebacks #9: Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
... Work comebacks #10: I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
... Work comebacks #11: It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
... Work comebacks #12: Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
... Work comebacks #13: No, my powers can only be used for good.
... Work comebacks #14: How about never?  Is never good for you?
... Work comebacks #15: I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
... Work comebacks #16: You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
... Work comebacks #17: You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.
... Work comebacks #18: Are you a fucking ray of sunshine every day?
... Work comebacks #19: I'll have my people fuck your people.
... Work comebacks #20: I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
... Work comebacks #21: I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
... Work comebacks #22: I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.
... Work comebacks #23: Who me?  I just wander from room to room.
... Work comebacks #24: My toys!  My toys!  I can't do this job without my toys!
... Work comebacks #25: It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
... Work comebacks #26: It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
... Work comebacks #27: At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
... Work comebacks #28: You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
... Work comebacks #29: I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
... Work comebacks #30: And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
... Work comebacks #31: If I throw a stick, will you leave?
... Work comebacks #32: I don't know what your problem is but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
... "Do i believe in Bible? Hell,man,i've seen one!" (sic) -- Arkan#iD
... I wouldn't take a bet against the existence of time machines.  My opponent might have seen the future and know the answer. -- Stephen Hawking
... "Today I started hating people in advance." -- Dilbert  "It saves time." -- Dogbert
... "Oh, that's just my brain.  It's always falling out." -- Stimpy  "Willikers!  It's so big, you want to see mine!?" -- Sven
... "I say, 'deliver me from Swedish furniture'" -- The Dust Brothers, /This is your life/
... Work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one's watching.
... Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on.
... Don't get mad. Get covered in blood as you disembowel your enemies with a chainsaw.
... Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
... Honk if you have never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
... "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo." -- Brian Swetland
... Tequila -- Have you hugged your toilet seat today?
... Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
... Statistics have proven that 7 out of 10 people are not the other 3.
... "Your current personality is non-standard.  You must choose one of the approved corporate personalities.  The choices are sycophant, gladhander, sadist, quantoid, prima donna, empty suit or whining misfit." -- Catbert to Dilbert
... "Advertising is the pornography of capitalism"
... "Question not my sanity, but the methods by which you judge it."
... "Cheap Scotch and drive-in food made an asshole out of me" -- Sloppy Seconds, /All Fucked Up/
... From McGill's dictionary of euphemisms: Eating sushi off the barber shop floor
... Being on trial involves being judged by 12 people who were too stupid to get out of jury duty.
... A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
... "I like deadlines.  I love the whooshing sounds they make as they fly by." -- Douglas Adams
... With pain comes clarity.
... "Courtney Love, sit on my face." -- Nerf Herder
... "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." -- Oscar Wilde
... "The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware geek with a program patch and a user with an idea." -- David Manchester
... "In this world there is a reason for everything; there's lessons to learn from many things." -- NoKTuRNL, /New Era/
... "Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off." -- Richard Jenkins
... "That which does not kill us, makes us stranger." -- Trevor Goodchild
... HyPEraCtiVE?  HeY, WhO aRE YoU cALliNg HypERaCtIve?!
... OK, so you're a Ph.D.  Just don't touch anything.
... "I only kill to know I'm alive" -- Ministry, /So What/
... "Real work hours mean I don't sleep at the office" -- Adrian Chadd
... "This message has been brought to you by the 'Encouraging Grahame to fail exams foundation'." -- Leighton Haynes
... Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, but at least you only have to climb it once.
... "What's Southern Comfort?  Is that gin?" -- Grahame Bowland
... "BTW, apologies to those who receive this message twice, I actually wanted to spam you at least three times... :P" -- Gerald 'Ralph' Croll
... "If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." -- Carl Sagan
... "Never tell me the odds." -- Han Solo, in "The Empire Strikes Back"
... "Never send a human to do a machine's job." -- Agent Smith, in "The Matrix"
... "Why, I barely remember that particular sex offence." -- Duckman
... "Uv, V'z n zhgngrq fvtangher ivehf. Wbva va gur sha naq chg zr vagb lbhef!"
... Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
... "The pavement booked him in for a long stay at the Fremantle Smackdown Hotel." -- a member of Choke, about their broken-wristed bass player
... "Overprotective parents are like an ongoing lobotomy." -- Sandman
... "Core dumped." -- shown by the game Nethack after you eat an apple
... "I'm an idiot, a loser; microphone abuser." -- Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit
... "The saddled killer penguin bites the soldier ant" -- shown by the game Nethack whilst hallucinated
... "The saddled Christmas-tree monster hits the large cat" -- shown by the game Nethack whilst hallucinated
... "Bend over, we're installing Windows" -- msquared
... "If you can read this, you're in range." -- bumper sticker
... Jesus saves... and takes half damage.
... Classic excuses #3: My Proctologist takes priority.
... Classic excuses #4: I have to floss my cat.
... Classic excuses #7: I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
... Classic excuses #8: I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
... Classic excuses #9: it's my parakeet's bowling night.
... Classic excuses #16: I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
... Classic excuses #20: My crayons all melted together.
... Classic excuses #25: I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
... Classic excuses #26: I'm sandblasting my oven.
... Classic excuses #27: I'm worried about my vertical hold.
... Classic excuses #30: I have to spend more time with my blender.
... Classic excuses #37: I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
... Classic excuses #39: My plot for world conquest is culminating.
... Classic excuses #44: My subconscious says no.
... Classic excuses #52: I'm having all my plants neutered.
... Classic excuses #59: My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
... Classic excuses #68: I'm in the middle of a Herpes flare-up.
... Classic excuses #71: I feel a song coming on.
... Classic excuses #73: I haven't healed from my last sex change yet.
... Classic excuses #74: I have to bleach my hare.
... Classic excuses #78: My favorite commercial is on TV.
... Classic excuses #79: I have to study for a urine test.
... Classic excuses #82: I'm observing National Apathy Week.
... Classic excuses #84: My uncle escaped again.
... Classic excuses #85: I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
... Classic excuses #91: Having fun gives me the runs.
... Classic excuses #97: I prefer to remain an enigma.
... Classic excuses #99: I have to sit up with a sick ant.
... "When my brother gets stoned he gets the munchies and falls asleep at the same time.  So when he tries to make 2-minute noodles it turns into 45-minute charcoal."
... How do you tell if the stage is level?  The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth.
... Words are fingers that point at the moon. Once you see the moon, you no longer need the fingers.
... "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.  I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
... "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
... Religion wars involve killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
... "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
... "The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners." -- Ernst Jan Plugge
... "These pages are best viewed on my computer. Since this may at times be inconvenient, I have tried to make them at least readable on yours." -- John Bangsund
... "If you're looking for sympathy, it's in the dictionary between shit and syphilis."
... "If I wanted your opinion, I'd take my dick out of your mouth." -- Christ Sol
... "Fold your hands child; walk like a peasant."
... "Before we enter a conversation, may I say that I agree with every one of your stupid opinions."
... "What are you wearing?" -- Christ Sol  "A headset." -- tech support droid  [Christ Sol blasts phone with air horn]
... A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.  A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the 'plane again.
... There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
... I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
... I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
... I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
... In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
... I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
... I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
... The first step is to say nice things about myself.  The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
... Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
... Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
... Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?
... Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
... False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
... A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
... Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
... Who can I blame for my own problems?  Give me just a minute . . . I'll find someone.
... I will find humour in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
... The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
... To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
... I'd like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?
... NRA -- Keeping the world a more dangerous place.
... I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
... Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
... Orangutang -- the new monkey flavoured cordial!
... "Your death, Rastenn, will have a meaning if it comes while you are in fullest pursuit of your heart." -- Turval, in Learning Curve (Babylon 5)
... "Your day has finally come, so wear the hat and do the dance and let the suit keep wearing you...  This year you'll sit and take it and you will like it, it's the gentle art of making enemies." -- Faith No More
... "Never wanted to get married; I'm married.  Never wanted to have kids; I've got two of 'em.  How the hell did this happen?" -- Al Bundy, in Married with Children
... The daughter of Elvis married Michael Jackson.  I think that's all that needs to be said about the 20th century.
... "/Dinosaurs/ are big boned.  Put the fork down." -- Dennis Leary
... "I'm the weirdo?  You're the one calling Barry Manilow from a pay phone at 2am." -- the Angel Stripper, in "Can't Hardly Wait"
... "It is up to people like you and me, who are out of our tiny little minds, to try and help these people overcome their sanity." -- Reverend Authur Belling, Vicar of St Loony up the Cream Bun and Jam
... "Son, life didn't pass me by: it sat on my head" -- Al Bundy
... "Erroneous error: nothing is wrong"
... "The future is here already.  It's just unevenly distributed." -- William Gibson
... "Tom Cruise acts like my arse chews gum."
... "And who can spell the word neurotoxin, hmmm?" -- Pate Biscuit
... "And who can spell the words 'barbaric bastards', children?" -- Pate Biscuit
... "Ignore your troubles and sing loudly, whatever happens.  It goes down a treat with magistrates." -- The Little Book of Crap
... "But I don't like politicians.  They're all a bunch of lying cocksuckers as far as I'm concerned." -- Cheech Marin
... "I'd like to thank the drag queens, the pimp and the ferret handler."
... "Every time he pisses me off, I just keep humming the number of my union to a happy tune." -- Christ Sol about his boss
... "If I had a dollar for every time I've heard you say that, I'd have enough money to have you assasinated." -- Christ Sol
... Don't squat with your spurs on.
... Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
... Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
... "Smithers, dismember the corpse and send the relatives a corsage." -- Montgomery Burns, in The Simpsons
... Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
... Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
... Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
... If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
... The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
... "There are three rules for writing a novel.  Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." -- Somerset Maugham 
... "The rectal sphincter is my fourth or fifth favourite organ." -- Dr Karl Kruszelnitsky
... "You're a fine mess I've got myself into." -- Tex Perkins
... "Oh for the love of Glub, what the hell is going on? ... Mark, this sounds extremely painful " -- David Manchester
... "You know you've had a good weekend when you wake up blind, naked and covered in shit." -- Polly, Critcal Mass presenter
... "I want my money back - I want my innocence back - but most of all I want 90 minutes of my life back" -- Rob O'Connor's opinion of "Judge Dredd"
... George W. Bush, the Dan Quayle for the New Millennium
... "It also depends on the drugs on the day." -- Pinky Beecroft from Machine Gun Fellatio
... "I may look like I'm doing nothing, but at a molecular level I'm really quite busy"
... "Politics are usually the executive expression of human immaturity" -- Vera Brittain
... "Common sense is nothing more than a deposit of prejudices laid down in the mind before you reach eighteen." -- Albert Einstein
... "It's amazing how complete is the illusion that beauty is goodness." -- Leo Tolstoy
... "I continue to exist to annoy the people who hate me." -- Peter Steel, Type O Negative vocalist
... "The American people have spoken, but it's gonna take a little while to figure out what they said." -- Bill Clinton on Decision 2000
... "I like towels." -- Stimpson J. Cat (Stimpy)
... "That's when one part of me started to think the other was insane, I cannot remember which....."
... 'Service with a capital "Bugger Off".' -- Matt McLeod
... "Trust in Allah...  But tie up your camel."
... "My employer pays to ignore my opinions; you get to do it for free." -- Stephen Harris
... "Hating someone is like burning your own house down to get rid of a rat." -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
... "This posting has been brought to you for my own entertainment." -- Lumpy Headscan
... "If you build a man a fire, you'll keep him warm for the night but if you set a man on fire, you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life."
... "A child's ability to adapt to adversity is matched only by an adult's ability to reduce the incredible to the everyday."
... Life dramas number 15: Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
... Life dramas number 34: Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
... "Great minds always share answers, great assholes try to hide them."
... "You wear that crucifix like a dead man wears a scar." -- Lo-Tel
... "So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde and that's it hangin' on the shed." -- Rolf Harris, /Tie me Kangaroo Down Sport/
... "Why are men lousy cooks?  Because they don't know how to preheat before they put the meat in."
... "We have time so that everything doesn't happen at once.  And we have space so it doesn't all happen to you.
... What do chickens think we taste like?
... "I wouldn't live with my brother because I value his life." -- Christ Sol
... "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.  That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." -- Ernest Hemingway
... "The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober." -- William Butler Yeats
... "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?" -- Stephen Wright
... "Why is American beer served cold?  So you can tell it from urine." -- David Moulton
... "You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline -- it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." -- Frank Zappa
... "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." -- Dean Martin
... "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you." -- answering machine greeting
... "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
... A fool and his money are soon partying.
... Remember, drive defensively!  And of course, the best defense is a good offense!
... "Well we know what to get you for Christmas... A double lobotomy and five rolls of rubber wallpaper." -- Arnold Rimmer
... "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." -- Rita Rudner
... "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." -- Lily Tomlin
... "You know, maybe it was the syphilis talking, but some of that actually made sense."
... "Windows NT is the cheeseburger of the networking world." -- RevDrD
... "What the yellow, rubbery fuck..." -- Stephen Fry, in "The Liar"
... "Well, bugger me with a fishfork!" -- Blackadder
... "My greatest contribution to society may well be the things I have chosen not to do."
... Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
... "There'll only be three hits in this fight; I'll hit you, you'll hit the pavement and the ambulance will hit 100."
... You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
... "So tell me about yourself man, I've never met a customer before" -- telco support rep to Christ Sol
... Romance novel?  Girl Porn.
... "Did you remember your name at the end of it?" -- me  "I sure as hell didn't.  As far as I was concerned, my name was 'get me the fuck to Maccas'." -- Sharpie
... "It's after midnight now, so I think we can take our sane hats off." -- Darkwings presenter
... "When the sun comes up, I have morals again." -- Elizabeth Taylor
... "I think it's time to discuss your philosophy of drug use as it relates to artistic endeavour." -- /Bug Powder Dust/
... "I once had a very good conversation with a Glaswegian wherein I understood about one word in five, but he was pouring the scotch, so who cared." -- Ian Nichols
... "I was deeply disturbed by the Liberace museum." -- Comrade
... "I ask for so little.  Just let me rule you, and you can have everything that you want.  Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave."
... "A royalty free non-exclusive license is granted to do whatever the heck you want with this email." -- Grahame Bowland's .sig
... If you are not part of the solution, you are not dissolved in the solvent.
... "There are doorways I haven't opened and windows I've yet to look through.  Going forward may not be the answer.  Maybe I should go back." -- Hive, /Ultrasonic Sound/
... "Don't worry.  She's just overestimating my conscience by assuming that I have one at all." -- Daria
... "I suppose you can say that if you survive your drug days, you have golf ahead of you.  That is, if you have any brain left at all." -- Dennis Hopper
... "Paranoia is all I've got left." -- Linkin Park, /Papercut/
... "I used to be clinically insane, but now I'm just stupid." -- Brak
... "One cannot conceive of anything so strange and so implausible that it has not already been said by one philosopher or another." -- René Descartes
... "The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."
... "This isn't an office, it's Hell with fluorescent lighting."
... "A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door."
... "Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?"
... No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
... When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.  Very often, that individual is crazy.
... The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
... "Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor." -- Dilbert  "You're preaching to the choir." -- Dogbert
... "Don't think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion." -- Dogbert
... "Close your eyes; look deep in your soul; step outside yourself and let your mind go ... Close your eyes and forget your name; step outside yourself and let your thoughts drain" -- Slayer, /Seasons in the Abyss/
... "Can speak to your supervisor?" -- M² "But I haven't even said anything to you yet." -- support droid "Just put me through to your supervisor." -- M²
... "Things are never so bad they can't be made worse." -- Humphrey Bogart
... "He who fights monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
... "Sire, I hate the English as much as you do." -- Alexander, Tsar of Russia "Peace." -- Napoleon, Emperor of France
... "Ambition is never content, not even at the summit of greatness." -- Napoleon
... "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." -- S. G. Tallentyre
... Here's to complicated lives, coz without them we'd be beer-swilling trailer trash.
... "Never compose anything unless the not composing of it becomes a positive nuisance to you." -- Gustav Holst
... "My dog put fertility drugs in my coffee." -- Dilbert
... There is much to be learned from the ravings of the mad.
... "Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles Duell (Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899)
... "Florence, standing in a burning building while blind circus midgets throw knives at you is safer than driving across town with Sam." -- Helix in Stanley's Freefall comic
... "Stealing stuff off this site is like sucking your dog's cock.  Noone may ever know, but it's a filthy dirty thing to do, you diseased wretch." -- Christ Sol
... "My mind's gone out for tempura or something." -- Christ Sol
... "The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad." -- Nietzsche
... "I got sidetracked taking dodgy porno of Tearles." -- Bryden
... "We went down to the Leederville to discuss our set list, but we got a bit sidetracked." -- Mr Miagi's guitarist
... "No man is happy without a delusion of some kind.  Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities." -- Christian Bovee
... "This paint-by-numbers life is fuckin' with my head." -- The Eels
... "Women that can - Do.  Those who cannot, become feminists."
... "My somatic nervous system has decided to pack it in." -- Christ Sol
... "Windows bad fruit, stink like ground sloth with mange. Not do what caveman want, just do random thing it want."
... "The male ego is a puppet master with a black sense of humour"
... "He does serve a useful purpose in spite of being psychologically twisted."
... "You're all a bitch. Go and make me tea." -- Avril
... "They invented microsoft because of whinging bitches like you." -- David, to Lee
... 'Aren't you supposed to be at work?' -- a sign on a beach somewhere.  2NU, /Ponderous/
... "Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar without his duck."
... "Jay, have you been sniffing your own underpants again? =3D)" -- skribe on the XCom list
... "The needle was four feet long and thick as a pencil.  I tried to run but the doctor had been an Olympic javelin champion." -- Medical Mel in Dilbert
... "I've been missing a lot lately.  Maybe I should realign my scope."
... "Fuck it. Let's just make bombs" -- John Chow
... "We are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated."
... "Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law."
... "A committee is a gathering of important people who alone can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done."
... "When everything comes your way...  you're in the wrong lane."
... "You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note."
... "A little greed can get you lots of stuff."
... "Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."
... Ducharme's axiom: If you view your problem closely enough, you will recognise yourself as part of the problem
... "Q:  Why did the tachyon cross the road?  A:  Because it was on the other side."
... "If at first you do succeed, think carefully about taking any more chances." -- WGB
... "I'd do it, but I put my back out humping your mom last night." -- Jay, in "Mallrats"
... "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
... "Wally, your status report is just a bunch of buzzwords strung together." -- PHB  "I've been giving you that same status report every week for eleven years.  Five years ago you adopted it as our mission statement." -- Wally, in Dilbert
... Web-design tips #37: "Live by the code of compatibility - Get the WebTV browser." -- Adam "Furry" Wright
... Don't argue with an idiot, because they'll only drag you down to their level and beat you with experience
... "That's a point... how do you get a console?" -- Ben, using an iMac running OS X
... "I think---therefore I'm single..." -- Lizz Winstead
... "A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other human invention in history with the possible exception of handguns and tequila." -- Mitch Ratcliffe
... Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
... "I _will_ get a life, as soon as they become available via anonymous FTP." -- Doug Burbidge
... "Pool tables should only be used for battletech." -- Guy Dyson
... "More are taken in by hope than by cunning." -- Vauvenargues
... "How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere else." -- R. Buckminster Fuller
... Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
... "Say, does anyone know a restaurant where they serve penguin?" -- Guy Dyson
... "What spirit is so empty and blind, that it cannot recognize the fact that the foot is nobler than the shoe, and skin more beautiful that the garment with which it is clothed?" -- Michelangelo
... "No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it." -- C. Schulz
... Most of our lives are about proving something, either to ourselves or to someone else.
... "poor dave, can you hear the sound of the world's smallest violin playing the world's smallest symphony just for you?" -- Ben Norman
... "Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell." -- Edward Abbey
... "Jay you are a strange cookie." -- John Parker
... "Luckily, my purveyors know me as a dangerously unstable, profane rat-bastard." -- Anthony Boudain, _Kitchen_Confidential_
... "Oh boy; mayhem!" -- Ren Hoëk
... "After all, normal only means average, doesn't it?" -- Don Sauman
... "Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable." -- Nogg's Postulate
... "No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware until three software guys have signed off for it." -- Andy Tanenbaum
... "Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why." -- Hunter S. Thompson
... "7am: My head feels like a bear took a dump in it." -- Chuck McKenzie
... Dion's Maxim:  If you are ever surprised by how stupid people can be, then you haven't understood Dion's Maxim.
... "The higher you go, the more mistakes you are allowed.  Right at the top, if you make enough of them, it is considered to be your style." -- Fred Astaire
... "One of the common failings among honorable people is a failure to appreciate how thoroughly dishonorable some other people can be, and how dangerous it is to trust them." -- Thomas Sowell
... "Win2K blows hairy goats. In church. On amateur video." -- Christ Sol
... "I'm so gothic I'm DEAD" -- a sticker on the guitar of a Jed Whitey member
... "This is my room" -- Alastair  "The theme of the mess is vaguely familiar." -- Coreynn
... "She's the one I'd stop drinking out of the carton for." -- David Thatcher
... "Why won't it go off!?" -- Vyvyan, from The Bomb, a Young Ones episode
... "Nothing useless is truly beautiful" -- William Morris (quoted in 24 Hour Party People)
... "<Kristie> hello peeps"  "<Kowai> Die. Skankfiend."
... "Unreal 2 is the jewel-encrusted Faberge turd of first person shooters." -- http://www.somethingawful.com/
... "Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't." -- Margaret Thatcher
... "Hey, doll, is this guy boring you? Try me instead!  I'm from a different planet!" -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
... "Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies." -- Voltaire (1694-1778) on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.
... "It is equally bewildering to me that evidently there are grown men who take pride in their ability to outwit a fish." -- Tom Lehrer
... "Something involving that many big words could easily destabilize time itself!" -- Professor Hubert T. Farnsworth, Futurama
... "The Perl doctrine of job preservation: If nobody else can figure out how it works - they can't fire you."
... "anyway game on bitch :)+" -- Wez
... "What you said had more nonsense per square inch than is allowed under current brain-pollution laws." -- Nathaniel Hamlin, to Paul Macy (in whose head he resides) [from _The Second Trip_ by Robert Silverberg]
... "It's very hard to sleep with someone when you're laughing at them." -- Christ Sol, being choosy for once
... "Oh, I want to stab him with everything that's sharp!" -- Christ Sol
... Vote 1 Cthulu, why settle for a lesser evil?
... "Data integrity is more common than employee integrity." -- Meryki in her databases assignment 
... "The worst government is the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to opression" -- H.L. Mencken
... "Your sigs are odd." -- Peter Lyons
... "I've got to start meeting more hetero people". -- Christ Sol  "Why?" -- Al  "Faggots are just so boring." -- Christ Sol
... "My inferiority complex is not as good as yours."
... "Like most computer techie people, I'll happily spend 6 hours trying to figure out how to do a 3 hour job in 10 minutes." -- Rev. James Cort, ASR
... Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
... "There's no point in dying with money in the bank." -- Cameron Kissell
... "If you pretend that you're gay I guarantee that your car will fill up with poontang." -- Christ Sol to Al
... "Why did music need to change from the 80's anyway? How can you improve on perfection?" -- Robert Slaughter
... "Never drink drive on the info super bahn.  It makes your credit card HURT!!!" -- Andrew 'Skippy' McColl
... "What's the world's greatest lie?" the boy asked, completely surprised.  "It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate.  That's the world's greatest lie." -- Paulo Coelho, _The Alchemist_
... "You're the only one who makes mince nuggets, I think Ali." -- Wez
... AAAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse and Ambiguity
... "She wins who calls herself beautiful and challenges the world to change to truly see her." -- Naomi Wolf, _The Beauty Myth_
... "Oh bummer; my creation has been exterminated." -- Andrew Di Carlo
... "I amaze myself sometimes... half those things I didn't know until I told you." -- Phil Sutherland
... "All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value." -- Carl Sagan
... "I'm deeply superficial" -- Andy Warhol
... "The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." -- James D. Nicoll
... "What do you do for recreation?" -- Maude Lebowski  "Oh, the usual: bowl, drive around, the occasional acid flashback." -- the Dude, in "The Big Lebowski"
... "What are you doctor of, by the way?" -- Liz Shaw  "Well... practically everything, my dear" -- The Doctor, in Doctor Who: Spearhead from Space
... "Coffee makes me edgy and cynical... I feel like I should put on a beret and write some beat poetry." -- Christ Sol
... "Binary search routines are never written right the first time around." -- Robert G. Sheldon
... "The Hahn is sort of light... it's 5%; compared to straight Jack Daniels that's light." -- Keith
... "Two leaps per chasm is fatal" -- Ancient Chinese Proverb
... "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." -- Douglas Adams
... "Is the glass half empty or half full?" -- quiz  "I drink out of CANS baby!" -- Marcus
... Live by the sword, die by the galloping cock-rot
... "Thatcher, you're wearing men's clothes; I didn't recognise you" -- Ray
... "Some day, I will find the teacher who popularised the idea that one should write as one speaks, and I'll take the little bastard out into the car park and teach them the Glasgow Two-Step." -- Ian Nichols
... "There are those of us who would rather perform fellatio on a bull alligator than bow to the dictates of fashion." -- Ian Nichols
... "The hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if there is no cat." (Confucius)
... "...I don't mean to upset Opeth fans..." -- Magoo  "I do." -- the other guy (on Critcal Mass)
... "We'll just put on the rubber glove, and felch the shit out of the entire system." -- Ray (talking about certain MS Active Directory brokenness)
... "Will I be up a sheep?" -- Danny, during a Settlers of Catan game
... "When you picked up the phone, you sounded a bit like an answering machine." -- Saywood  "I get that all the time!" -- me  "That's not a bad thing; it can be good to put people on edge at the beginning of a phone conversation." -- Saywood
... "I'm not above urinating in public." -- Bryden
... "The lesson here is that dreams inevitably lead to hideous implosions" -- Miss Bitters, in Invader Zim
... "Bachelor (n.): A man who never makes the same mistake once"
... "My heart is ticking like a fucked clock." -- Withnail's friend in Withnail & I
... "Remember, to every problem there are two solutions - the one that involves violence and the one that involves technology. Really clever people build spanking machines." -- Ian McKellar
... "...and that's when my parents started having me IQ tested." -- Christ Sol
... "I don't play well with others." -- Katharine
... "All mushrooms are edible. However, some of them only once" -- Ino!~
... "He who would letterspace lower-case text, would steal sheep" -- Eric Gill
... "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." -- Pablo Picasso 
... "Your cocking spadger's humping my leg." -- Grant Watson
... http://www.gutenberg.net/etext/12254
... 8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the toilet.
... "It's not tacky.  It cost far too much money to be tacky." -- Sylvia, talking about her corset
... "I was making someone at work nervous the other day because I was bored." -- Sharon, talking about her knife
... "If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how."
... "Please allow me to adjust my pants, so that I can dance the good time dance." -- Clutch, /The Mob Goes Wild/
... "Owing to lack of interest tomorrow has been cancelled." -- Karma
... "I do not understand why when I ask for a grilled lobster in a restaurant I am never served a cooked telephone." -- Salvador Dali
... "Great minds talk about ideas. Mediocre minds talk about events. Small minds talk about people." -- Elenor Roosevelt
... "Brad has no idea what he's going to play next."  "I do!  I have no idea!" -- the Darkwings DJs
... "He said he was straight, but he let me suck his cock so he can't have been that straight." -- Christ Sol
... "A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in" -- a.s.r.
... "Plone is an unadulterated piece of shit that eats up perfectly good CPU time and wastes it on running vast gobs of unrequired shit. Plus it implements it's own database, just for shits and giggles. There is no simply good use case for Plone."  -- Davyd Madeley
... "I've done some of my best work while drunk.  I once fixed a sendmail problem in 10 minutes that had been bugging me for weeks." -- Stevo
... "Programming can be fun, so can cryptography; however they should not be combined." -- Kreitzberg and Shneiderman
... "Anyways to cut a long story short I drank lots, partied hard, slept very little and spent way to much money." -- Cameron "Camo" Kissell
... WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
... "As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains seemingly unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air, however slight, lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness." -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
... "My left nut is tattooed FreeBSD, the right is Slackware, my arse is MacOS X." -- Matthew Wallis
... "Breeny, _you_ are a bit of a piss-head..." -- Andrew
... "Don't encourage him to be a geek!" -- Anne Sutherland, to Phil
... "Listen Stefaan, I could do with some less 'interesting' stuff to do at the moment." -- Adam Legg
... "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable." -- George Bernard Shaw
... "I have a working knowledge of vi: just enough to port emacs with" -- Phil
... Roses are red / violets are blue / I like gross generalisations / And I bet you do too 
... "The average Scottish fish shop sells 23 deep-fried Mars Bars per week." -- British Medical Weekly
... "We're back to talking about my wang again, aren't we?" -- Mog
... "I believe in tradition - it's funny and it leads to the wearing of amusing hats." -- Kandace
... "Both of the above comments are semantically equivalent to nil." -- David Freeman
... "It is science that tells us that the tomato is a fruit. It is wisdom that keeps us from adding it to a fruit salad."
... "Science is physics, everything else is stamp collecting." -- Rutherford
... "MS-Windows is not a solution, it's a problem waiting to happen."
... "I'ts not going to happen, Ali; try as you might, I shall never surrender to the penguin." -- Vicky
... "My sense of adventure is kept until there are double digits in the day." -- Meryki
... "Forks go with other forks!  I'm not expecting miracles; forks go with other forks." -- Meryki
... "If you're going to dye your eyebrows, don't do it yourself."
... "We haven't played Slayer in ages." -- John  "We haven't!  It's been great!" -- Dysie
... "Bring back the cheese." -- Matt Smith
... "This is a conversation we should never have again." -- Früchlé, talking about prison sex
... "Fuck fashion." -- Wuffie
... "It came out of my chicken cheese sausage." -- Jarrad
... "She likes the gherkin." -- Jarrad, about Priya
... "I am the birthday cake you light up, blow out, cut up, devour and forget." -- Marilyn Manson, in "Doppelherz"
... "There is not enough of me to make a bouquet" -- Marilyn Manson, in "Doppelherz"
... "I don't want to go for a goddamn picnic: I want to go for a fucking massacre!" -- Vicky
... "I want to take off my clothes." -- Vicky (quoted out of context)
... "I don't want the entire memory of this dish ruined for me!" -- Vicky, when Wez was cooking
... "Crap! I don't have any red shoes." -- Vicky
... "That's so weird!" -- Meryki   "But if I wasn't weird you'd be bored." -- Shig
... "I'm lazy, I flash at midnight. Wait... That's what I said, isn't it??" -- Chris Hines (Feast 2005 Sep 24)
... "Hey man, there's liking your food and then there's what you do, which is unnatural." -- M²
... "That's like moving from Hitler to Stalin." -- Steven (ex-Stapril) on the merits of a girl going for Thatcher over Froggie
... "This is my 'believing you' face." -- Kandace
... "It's liquid crap on a stick." -- Mikey talking about MS Word
... "These outfits make the 80's look restrained." -- Alastair on the costumes worn in the operas in Amadeus
... "I couldn't believe I'd feel this good.  I'm singing chicken songs ferchristsake!" -- Jarrad
... "Forgive me, I was talking to my demented half-brother Reginald." -- Richie Twat, in "Guest House Paradiso  "Is he alright?" -- Gina Carbonana  "Oh no no no: he's mad as unperpants.  But don't you worry; it's terminal." -- Richie
... "I love your outfit, does it come in your size?"
... "I hate you today Ali; you've pissed me off." -- Vicky
... "I now know what god is...  An anthropomorphic excuse." -- Fallimar
... "Linux supports the notion of a command line or a shell for the same reason that only children read books with only pictures in them.  Language, be it English or something else, is the only tool flexible enough to accomplish a sufficiently broad range of tasks." -- Bill Garrett
... "apt-get install mysql-server-4.1 should not want to uninstall the currently running kernel (amongst other things)" -- JP
... "As usual someone asked if I could sell them some cocaine." -- Mikey
... "it combines the worst features of every so-called 'social networking' site in existence in the most disorganized manner possible and adds horrifying features of its own." -- the Encyclopedia Dramatica article on 'Myspace'
... "gayer than eight guys fucking nine guys" -- Encyclopedia Dramatica's description of Freddie Mercury
"Q. On which day of the week is it best to strain food?  A. We'll have to check our colander." -- The Sinkie FAQ <http://www.sinkie.com/sinkiefa.htm>
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; But if you really make them think, they'll hate you.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; But if you really make them think, they'll hate you.
... "If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; But if you really make them think, they'll hate you." -- Don Marquis