The Top 15 Signs Your TV Weatherperson Needs a Vacation 15> Habitually refers to outlying rural communities as "East B.F. Egypt, if you know what I mean." 14> "3D Doppler Radar" replaced by "3D Virtual Valerie." 13> "Today's forecast: crap. But the Canary Islands have great weather in the spring -- let's go to that map." 12> Last night's report included "A turgid, pulsating jet stream penetrating deep into a warm, moist, aching heartland." 11> "Well, this cold front will be moving right along... AS SOON AS MY EX-WIFE LEAVES TOWN!" 10> Standard weather map replaced by a Risk board with fighter planes and tanks, and he spends the entire segment making explosion and machine gun noises. 9> "I predict a giant fire right here, on my mother-in-law's condo." 8> Illustrates forthcoming snowstorm by shaking his dandruff over the East Coast. 7> "We got a twister rippin' up Texas, an' it's a mean sumbitch! Evacuate the trailer parks! Houston, you have a problem!" 6> Prefaces all reports with "And in another act of a Vengeful God..." 5> Current weather report consists of "Look out the friggin' window, ya lazy bastards." 4> Keeps hurling lightning bolts at the rest of the news team. 3> It looks like he's had a "brief downpour" in his pants again. 2> Starts doing "shout-outs" to his "fly-girls" in various microclimate locales. and the Number 1 Sign Your TV Weatherperson Needs a Vacation... 1> "Live WeatherCam" really just video highlights of his recent colonoscopy. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]