Last Updated: Friday 8th February 2002
| A Job Offer(23/3/2000) | Don't Ask Don't Tell (15/4/2000) |
| He Died with a Bullant in his hand. (26/4/2000) | Swancon Gossip (26/4/2000) |
| New Milleniums Eve: Not nearly Seedy Enough | Spa's more Depraved than the Internet? (13/1/2000) |
Howdy Devotee's its been a while and I have to confess writing an article sober is little odd for me. Still I'm sure I'll manage. There are a number of items which have to be covered this morning. Firstly I guess we should explain why your damn browser is currently playing Hits from the previous century by Ol' Blue Eyes.
Its seems Devotee's that one of the Old Guard may shortly be winging his way to the windy city. Yes you know the one New York New bloody York. Home of Zero Tolerance Policing and about 9 million cowed and frightened people all packed into one very small island. Who you ask with wide eyed innocence? Well Devotee's this is where it gets interesting. No formal announcement has been made yet but usually well informed sources, lets call her Gojira, tell this columnist that we can expect an announcement at an, invitation only, Gala event this weekend. Now Devotee's I'm tempted to tell you the location of said event just so you can stand on the curb and be awed by the Old Guard arriving in their finery. But I'm afraid, well yes very afraid that I'd get me lights punched out for inviting half of Perths gatecrashers. So at this stage you get no details at all about the event or its location. Oh all right just one. I've been asked to take Gin. Presumabley they want to set fire to something.
What is still unknown at this stage is whether the very fabric of the UniSFAn universe will be rent by this particular Old Guard members search for the almighty dollar. Will he tear one of our most valued and much loved former Presidents from us? Will he callously leave her behind? I guess we'll have to wait until Saturday to find out folks. Rest assured though this column will have a crack team of web designers at its disposal to get the news to you first.
In other news rumours are currently circulating of another UniSFAn pregnancy. No confirmation has been made by this columnist yet but we'll be dumpster diving shortly to see if we can't find whats left of the Pregnancy kit. More when we know.
And finally folks for those of you of the circa 1988 vintage. This columnist came across Donald Lantzke on the Saturday before last. He's currently earning a living, as an ARCHAEOLOGIST!!!
Howdy Devotee's well so much for the Crack Web Design team. Web Design Jokes more like it. Rat faced drunk by the time I got there and they'd forgotten their laptops as well! Hopeless Jokes I say.
Anyway Devotee's there seems to be Gossip a plenty so I think we'll get right down to it.
This columnist can confirm that Ms L Bowyer UniSFAn old guard is with child and is expecting as some point. BTW does anyone know how women can so accurately predict this kindof thing?. And speaking of matters maternal it seems another member of the UniSFAn old guard, Paul Talbot, will be a father in the next six months or so. Congratulations are in order there. Also to be congratulated is Ms. Jo Jackson King who recently delivered boy number two who's complete name escapes me for the moment.
In other news UniSFA held its first Wine & Cheese night of the year last night. An event attended by both the True Gossip Columnist and the Pirate Gossip Columnist. I think this columnist can speak for both parties in saying the Clubroom looked good and we were both pleased to see the number of members present. The enclosure for the Large Screen TV and related bits is also most impressive, if somewhate imposing. Both the TGC and the PGC were greeted at the door by Marcia Bauer who informed us that she had been a member of UniSFA for "Four Whole Years! and that this was the first time she had ever been to a Wine & Cheese night" And considering her performance later in the night it may be her last. Speaking of which if you're going to throw up out the Window of UniSFA remember to take your false tooth out first. Otherwise someones going to have to go over the Tav fence and go looking for it. Eeew Yucky.
Anyway Devotee's that just about covers it for now.
Oh I suppose we should explain about the title of this article. If you don't ask Karen McKenna about that huge Rock on her finger she won't tell you. Congratulations Karen and Dave.
Well he didn't really die but he was certainly ratfaced by the end of the night. Who you ask in wide eyed wonderment? Well the observant amongst you will have noticed the addition to the quotes at the top of my illustrious column. The well read will even know who he is. Yes Devotee's John Birmingham author of "He Died With A Felafel in His Hand" and "The Tasmanian Babes Fiasco" recently visited Perth to carry out research for his new book "Dopeland". As a small side project he was also checking out Perths microbreweries. And this columnist had the opportunity to show him one or two. Although we had to keep tasting to make sure we got a representative sample. Anyway by the time he left DaveLand after checking out his other research interest John had had a few. And DaveLand has the acid burns on the front lawn to prove it. Seriously Devotee's if you haven't had the chance to check out some of John Birminghams work do so its vitally important to any one who's ever lived it share houses.
Hell it cetainly saved Mark Tearles life.
To: "Mr Gossip"<skippy@ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2000 23:38:56 +0800
Subject: goss
Reply-to: Leif M Lone
Priority: normal
Status: RO
X-Status:
X-Keywords:
X-UID: 20
Please anonymise:
Swancon gossip:
A certain unisfan grand admiral was seen
getting rather chummy with a
certain fan over the weekend. This certain fan avoided censure
at the
WASFF business meeting, despite admirably demonstrating his own
stupidity by seconding the motion against him. This coupling must
rate among the worst examples of bad taste exhibited at the
convention.
How ya doing Devotee's its been a while. In fact its been too long. And I'm damn sorry I keep saying I won't write this thing anymore. It definitely doesn't get me laid. But every time I come back to these dusty files, start swigging that god awful Port I drink. Mental Note Stay away from White Port It Makes a Man Mean. I just can't help getting a little excited. And I get the feeling some of you do too.
Now I'm going to have to get these pages out quickly tonight I'm sobering up already and I have to appear in Court tommorrow so I won't be anymore imbibing whilst I'm composing. Why are you going to Court I hear you ask? Well lets just say that my Dad was turning left into his own driveway on a pushbike when he was hit by a Motorcyclist attempting to pass on the left. My father is alleged to have been dangerously driving. Because I took photo's of the street a month later I have to appear in Court and present them as a Witness. I'll let you know how it goes.
Now down to the UniSFA Gossip. Probably the biggest event of the last month was, as usual, Shaggles New Years Eve Party. This year combined with a bunch of Comrades Closest Personal Friends and held at the Cooper Compound south of Margaret River. My Grandma goes there on retreat sometimes too.
What about the Fucking Gossip I hear you Grind through Clenched Teeth. Alright already. This Columnist arrived at the Cooper compound at roughly 7pm on the 31st of December. I'm afraid Devotee's I can't tell you much about what occurred there prior to my arrival but within minutes of arriving I could see the influence of the Compound Leader Smug One shri Comrade. Jelly Wrestling was happening and to make it especially kinky 50 kilo's of Ice had been trucked in from Margaret River supposedly to help the Jelly set. Now Devotee's I think you've heard my opinions on Jelly Wrestling before so there's no need to go into them again. Needless to say Wrestling of the lowest order was occurring. One mismatched bout that sticks in my mind was Dr Lara vs Sam. Lets just say when Dr Lara employed a Sumo rush against her taller but more lightly built opponent the bout was over very quickly. If you want you check out photo's at this site.
Later in the night after this columnist had cleaned the Jelly from my favourite Emu Bitter shirt he had the opportunity to catch up with some of the far flung UniSFAns of old. Its true Devotee's Bec Handcock is having a torrid relationship with UCCan DDT. Hell in that Climate anything to keep warm I guess. In other news Tim Neame notorious UniSFAn bachelor of old is dating a way cute Blonde babe who I met in Melbourne at Aussiecon III. Hey I would have told you about it but I thought I was hallucinating. Speaking of Melbourne based UniSFA Engins Rob Sewell was also present at the Cooper Compound minus his woman. Rumours I hear suggest that he's been single for years and that he spends his free time reading medical journals so he can pretend he has a Doctor for a Girlfriend
In other news of the night the Smug One shri Comrade almost got roughed up early in the night when he insisted on listening to his Shortwave Radio broadcast from Sydney rather than this rowdy Columnist. Some Fucking Y2K thing.
But Devotee's back to the gossip also present at the New Years Eve Celebrations for the first time in many years was Michelle Robertson, Old Guard when I were a boy, accompanied by her longtime Toyboy Indi. Now Michelle was looking for Genetic material. It seems she wants kids and Indi doesn't. I'm afraid Devotee's I only rated 110 seconds of conversation before Michelle spoted young Greg Wheatley. Who proved much more interesting although not sufficiently so in the end. Later in the evening Michelle was spotted on the front lawn rubbing chests with, long time and todally Buff Friend of Dr K, Margaret whilst discussing who their next conquest would be.
This columnist joined the group on the lawn copping a perve at this admittedly attractive sight and joined them later in the Spa as the evening drew to a close. Now Devotee's its not ordinarily the place of the reporter to make the news, unless he works for Channel 9. But it seems that this columnist activities that night have provoked much comment since News Years Eve.
In the interests of comprehensive journalism, oh try to keep a straight face please, those events must be discussed here. This columnist can confirm he was seen in a Spa with a bunch of half naked women on the New Years Eve night. Rumours that a competition was held in said spa to see who would look the best with their underwear on their head cannot be confirmed or denied. Further scandalous rumours that this columnist was seen attempting to stick his underwear to the Glass walls of the Spa enclosure are patently false and completely without foundation. And suggestions that the Fiore del Florence household actually have the underwear in question in their possession are laughable.
Good now thats been put to rest.
In other news of the night unusually well informed sources report that the UniSFAn known as DC was spotted on a bed full of naked women. This columnist invites the women in question to come forward and discuss their story Sally Jessie style. We'll provide the forum, we'll even protect your identities. All you have to do is tell us what happened.
Well that just about all the major events of the night, or at least the ones we've heard about so far. Should you have something you wish to add please don't hesitate to drop this columnist a line.
BTW In late breaking news more photo's at this site. Courtesy of Andrew Williams, Hey at least he's not telling me what to gossip about these days.
Hell I don't know if thats true or not but its certainly a catchy title. And now an article from one of our unnamed sources. We'll call her St Hilda's Girl.
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000
To: skippy@ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au
From: St Hilda's Girl
Subject: gossip
Status: RO
X-Status:
>In other news of the night unusually
well informed sources report that the
>UniSFAn known as DC was spotted on a bed full of naked women.
'Twas five naked women, and apparently
for at least one of the women it was
her First Time with another woman. Dave has been known to since
bemusedly
utter,"But what am I going to fantasise about now?"
There has been more naked spa-ing in
the past fortnight than I can remember
in the past decade or two. More people felt compelled to get naked
at
Dave's 30th on the weekend, including the Evil Dreadlocked One
and Marcia
IIRC. Some of the other redheaded partygoers were quite traumatised.
Creature of the Spa.
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