Historical UniSFA Gossip Pages: 1998

Last Updated: Saturday, 2 January 1999

1996 Historical Gossip

1997 Historical Gossip

As you may have already guessed this columnist has imbibed somewhat. So hopefully this piece of creative masterpiecery won't get me sued. My lawyers are on the net now but to be honest I can't be bothered making it easy for the sort of weasly faced long haired maggots who'd try and sue a decent upright columnist trying to make an honest living. So I won't be providing you with their one email address. Yes you heard me right only one... so early nineties of them.

And now down to the gossip. Where shall we start, its been so long. No Im not referring to the wedding tackle Im talking about the time since I last indulged by fantasies of literary professionalism. Well I guess the big event should be the Great UniSFA Skinny Dipping Scandal. Its seems that up to eighteen UniSFAns were butt naked on Swanbourne beach last week. "What!"you claim "so long ago?". Why am I bothering to report it all? Well devotee's to be honest I would have quite happily let the event slip into the ignominy that it deserved. However my workmates have insisting on knowing all the putrid details of the sordid little event. They lead such little lives. Besides its been a slow gossip week other than that incident with Lara after Dave the literary critics, kick a man when he's hung over, birthday party. So back to the depravity on the beach. Which this columnist could not attend because he has to put food in the mouths of the bairns. Well actually buy expensive Yuppie toys but I was fucking working, busting a gut as usual, so I wasn't there. It seems that the inaugural UniSFA Skinny Dipping Event was a success. As mentioned earlier many UniSFAns turned up and even a few blow in's. Including the aforementioned Debbie Wilson. IInet Beauty and significant other to Mikolaj the wise, terrible and irresponsible, at least as far as the UCC is concerned. Senior UniSFAns were somewhat amused by her claim that she could not possibly remove her clothes because she had put on weight since Christmas. They report being downright puzzled by her inability to remove her sunnies. Possibly she didnt want to be recognised with 17 naked UniSFAn's. An experience I can relate to having been to the odd party with the young turks of UniSFA. And besides Ive no wish to criticise a woman who'll drive me through the streets of Nedlands when Im pissed as a newt. The young Ms Wilson at least held firm to her principles and remained covered in a decorous fashion. Unlike certain members of the UniSFA committee who chose to arrive at the beach in bathers and then remove them once she had entered the water. Provoking much hilarity from those already escaping the heat of the day.

Beer Break Sobering Up Too Much

Back now. So where was I. Other notables at the the Great UniSFA Skinny dipping event included Dr Karen fresh from her first day helping the sick and opressed masses in our overloaded and financially crippled public hospital system. Big Shay Telfer fresh from his second day sharing an office with this columnist in our overloaded and financially crippled public university system. Lucky me really. Other attendees included elements of the the UniSFA committee. Speaking of whom a naming competition will commence shortly to assist the, soon to be, proud parent. The competition will I trust be more successful than the one run for young Timu. Which achieved one entry.

Well devotees thats almost all the gossip that fits to print. Except for a couple of questions the answers to which this columnist does not know.

1. Which intrepid pair have been stalking the streets of Cottesloe trying to find the new home of one of their old flames. Perhaps we should tell him not to put his name in the electoral roll this time.

2. Who stroked a medical friend of Comrades buttocks on Sunday night/Monday morning?

3. Which UniSFAn/UCC member is currently staying at the Boronia Street house of depravity and availing himself of the double bed he has access to.

Well devotee's I hope you enjoy I have to go now Im sobering up too much. seems that six beers just ain't enough anymore.

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Comrades Fairwell Party a Spectacular Affair.

"What about the gossip, you tosser" I hear you say. Well devotee's stem your impatience there was a gossip aplenty throughout the night. The first event of interest proved to be considerable speculation throughout the party as to where, when and from whom the subject of the party, Comrade, had obtained the large hicky on his neck. Unfortunately devotee's this columnist is not in a position to discuss this matter further at the moment.

Other gossip of note included the news that a member of the UniSFA Old Guard and Design and Technology teacher extraordinaire has taken her passion for star gazing to new heights. Finding herself a tall and, some say handsome, astronomer. Hopefully he didn't use that particular hoary old chestnut as his pickup line. The couple in question seemed reluctant to discuss their still blossoming relationship with this columnist and the rest of the UniSFA family but our intrepid team of photographers from Industrial Light and Meg did manage to obtain this photo of the two of them together.

Other items of note throughout the night included numerous wrestling matchs between Tigger, (Toy Boy to Meg) of Industrial Light and Meg, and numerous other people. One such brawl, and possibly the most serious, occured between young Tigger and a rising young star of the UWA physics department who was later seen snogging the UniSFA Attack Fresher of 1988.

Yes Devotee's by far the most interesting part of the night arrived when the UniSFA Attack Fresherette of 1988 decided that she wasn't going home alone that night. She of course had to check out her options and was spotting doing the "try before you buy" thing with at least one and possibly two other party goers. Fortunately for her she did, as her first choice the rising young star of the UWA physics department may well have been a most "interesting" pick had she chosen to accompany him home. Although if the rumours prove to be correct her final choice may have been far worse. Yes Devotee's it seems that that Icon of the UniSFA Gossip Pages. That tireless self creator of Gossip that weasly faced, cross dressing little toerag, Snoozeboy got lucky on Saturday night and with a woman at least 9 years his senior. Reports reaching this columnist suggest that they were seen leaving the party together in the wee hours of the morning. One does have to wonder if the Former Attack Fresherette would have been quite so enthusiatic if she had seen Snoozeboy in some of his other guises. This columnist sadly left the party on his own in the early hours. And reports that he found at least two front lawns to snooze on whilst on his way home are completely untrue and without foundation.

Photo's: Meg Travers, Simon Kirkby and John West.

Scanning: Russle B Farr.

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The Great UniSFA Gossip Quiz. Round 27

But first an apology. Yes Devotee's you read right an apology. Its seems that Snoozeboy did not get lucky, as was initially reported in my last article. It appears that with age comes wisdom and the UniSFA attack fresherette of 1988 chose not to bonk the self creator of Gossip. One does have to wonder if she fell asleep on him too. Not that she's getting much sleep now though. Usually reliable sources report that the former Attack Fresherette has been receiving a barrage of phone calls, emails and goldfish from the enamoured young man. Maybe someone should remind him that WA has stalking laws.

Anyway lets have some questions.

1. Which decrepit old lady had Shay Telfer sneaking round the campus on Tuesday while this columnist was having lunch with an attractive young woman.

2. Give the names, with correct spelling, of the two baby's that recently attended a housewarming at the Casa del Skip.

3. Give the chemical composition the drugs that were consumed by the little brother of the newest resident of the Casa del Skip at the above party.

4. How long have a certain Design and Technology Teacher and her Starry eyed companion been going out for now? Exact time to the astronomical second if you please.

5. Which former UniSFAn, lets call her couch girl, is currently going out with a friend of her little sisters?

Well Devotee's I hope this keeps you occupied for a while as it may be a while before I post again. I was recently informed that my web authoring skills where insufficient. So Im off to read a book or two. Stay tuned for the JAVA Root Tree.

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Greetings

I have some information which may be of interest to your web pages.

A certain eternal fresher, who shall remain nameless but has made numerous appearences on your gossip pages before, as is appropriate for a CS failure, has been harrased by a fresher. This envious, environmentally friendly herbavore fresher was seen having an extended intimate conversation with the nameless eternal fresher. After the extended intimate conversation his reply was "It is no longer harrasment!"

Enjoy the information.

See Ya

Whadya reckon devotee's? Pretty hot stuff? Im not sure but I didn't have to write it so Im not complaining. Now onto the other gossip.

It seems that a recent former employee of Stairways Software has found himself a new girlfriend. Its seems that he's been on several dates with the young woman who he met at the Whitlams concert. Lets hope he has better luck with this one than he did with the Long Distance girlfriend.

So Devotee's how many of you are going to Terracon this year? Yes I know this is just a gratuitous opportunity to put in another link but this columnist couldn't help himself. To be honest its unlikely that you'll see the columnist at this years Terracon. This columnist is feeling old and ever since those puss heads on the Committee took the Iron Stomach competition away from him there's no reason for him to go. Have a good one Devotee's Ill talk to you again some time.

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Great UniSFA Gossip Quiz: Round 28

1. Which former UniSFAn is currently doing his bit to bust unions for Patricks?

2. Name a senior UniSFAn who has managed to bend his Significant Others brand new car in the past week.

3. Name another UniSFAn who's recently been attracting attention to herself in the Undergraduate Computing Lab formerly known at the Guild Computer Lounge.

Well Devotee's I hope you have fun with these.

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The '98 Terracon Report

So what happened at this years Terracon? One event of note was this columnists housemate who spent in the vicinity of $300 on this years con and then only attended for 12 hours before returning to Perth so that he could embark upon his skiing trip. He did however get a way cool Radio Free Terracon hat thoughtfully made for him by Margaret Dunlop before she embarked for Colder Climes.

Another event of note was the report of a screaming argument between esteemed elder UniSFAn Karen "Dr K" McKenna and Helen "Verbiage" Duffill. Its seems that the committee thoughtlessly failed to provide a bed for Dr K and thoroughly deserved the blasting she gave them. This columist is disgusted with Dr K's shoddy treatment and believes the Committee should resign over this outrage.

Another senior UniSFAn chose this year to follow one of the oldest Terracon traditions. The ritualised killing of her transport on the way to the event. It seems that Liz Bowyer and her vehicle had something of a disagreement with a Kangaroo whilst on the last 40km stretch to the con. What followed was a rather harrowing journey in which they had to stop repeatly to refill the radiator. Jeremy "I weally am in an Intellectual" Nelson chose to follow a less admirable tradition of screaming past Ms Bowyers mortally wounded vehicle at high speed.

Reports reaching this columnist suggest that roughly 80 people attended this event which is down somewhat on the good old days of Daniel Oi's presidency but is not a bad result at all. Many of those who attended the event report having a great deal of fun. Photo's will be provided if someone bothers to send me some.

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Well how about with a night several weeks ago when one senior UniSFAn was left wandering around a house in the middle of the night knowing that everyone was getting laid but him. No NOT me Devotee's. Im not going to tell you who but I will tell you where. Yes folks it was the Barrio del Murchison home of Craggles, Shaggles and Jem.

Speaking of Shaggles talk about an off again on again relationship. It seems that Fiona has forgiven him and decided to have him back. What can I say Devotee's the woman has a good heart. And thank god she has. This columnist was only hours away from having his officemate mysteriously bludgeoned death. Talk about a pathetic mood in the workplace.

This columnist would like to take full credit for this touching reunion. If it wasn't for the webcam set up by myself Fiona might have forgotten what Shaggles looked like.

So where shall we go from here? Well next I think we should talk about the new woman in Jems life. But hey lets talk about the old one first. Its seems that young Mr (No I don't look like Steve Buscemi) Nelson has recently returned from Canberra where he was visting an old flame. He also got some Ski-ing in whilst he was there. The stitches on his forehead come from a Ski-ing accident... really.

This columnist recently had the pleasure of meeting Jems new girlfriend. A charming woman named Melissa. Who accompanied this Columnist to an early showing of Armageddon, appropriately chaperoned of course. The event proved to be a nostalgic one for this columnist as Melissa was of a similar vintage to this columnist. And recounted with much amusement the occasion when she met the same nice young men from the Drug squad as Ms Eleanna Jeffries during the space cake episode on Guild education day.

Other news to reach this columnist concerns a woman who had a massive impact on the UniSFAn community whilst keeping all her clothes on. It seems that Debbie Wilson, iiNet beauty and star of the inaugral UniSFA skinny dipping event was recently cruelly evicted from her home after returning from the holy land (Scotland). It seems that Ms Wilson failed to meet the high moral standards of the mother of the person she was sharing a house with. Devotee's I'd like to take this opportunity to express the outrage of the entire UniSFAn community at this shoddy treatment of Ms Wilson. And express the firm hope that she is settling in well with Mikolaj in her new abode in Northbrige and that she will come to my next party and take me for rides on her motorbike again.

Well Devotee's thats about it. Some of you might be wondering what the title of this article is about. All I can say is "Trust No-one". And now if you'll excuse this columnist he has some serious drinking to do.

Oh Ill buy a beer for anyone who can tell me who Simon Oxwell went home with on Saturday night

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WE'RE HERE FOR SEX

This columnist heard their tale of woe later that afternoon and was bitterly disappointed in the performance of the younger generation of today. Fortunately for UniSFAns Melissa and Lara where not discouraged by this early rebuff and wish to continue their association with the club. It seems Melissa is looking for young male aquaintances for short term relationships. Whilst she did not give this columnist a great deal of information about what she intends to do with them. Melissa did ask that this columnist provide a description for those younger UniSFAns who did not encounter her on Monday afternoon.

Unaccustomed as I am devotee's to acting as a dating service its perhaps appropriate to begin first with Melissa's previous entry in this column. From there we could move to the fact that she has some interesting scars, a tattoo and a chest measurement to rival that of Marcia's. If you're thinking of a cute babe that will gaze longingly up into your eyes you'd be completely wrong. Melissa has about a foot and a half on Marcia. And speaking of measurements is rumoured to carry a ruler. So UniSFAns if you feel you measure up please feel free to drop Melissa a line

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Devotee's for the purposes of this article I'd like to introduce a new Dating system. No not another matchmaking service, Melissa got enough attention from the last article. This columnist is talking about a system of time measurement. Yes Devotee's never let it be said that this columnist is inflexible when it comes to new innovations. From this day forward articles mentioning Melissa, Mistress of Pain, will measure time in the following format: Melissa + 4. Giving you the Gossip going public the time of the event in the number of days since UniSFA met Melissa.

So back to the Gossip. It seems that Melissa has been enjoying her new club membership immensely. Apart from being scorned by a Blonde UniSFAn, on M+4 and M+5, who must remain nameless because he's a Hopeless Joke. Melissa also attended a UniSFAn party on M+5 and is reputed to have swapped tounges with a senior member of the UniSFAn committee. And from memory folks this is not the first time that this particular committee member has played tounge hockey with someone of the same sex.

Its seems that on M+7 the Mistress of Pain had her revenge upon the callow youth who scorned her earlier in the week. Yes Devotee's its seems that despite strenuous efforts made by the Hopeless Joke, who must remain nameless, Melissa found other company last night. The Hopeless Joke was spewing, literally, at his lost opportunity.

Well devotee's its proving interesting isn't it?

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Last Saturday saw young Duncan and Margaret Dunlop take the enormous leap into adulthood with a combined 21st Birthday party at the Dunlop family stronghold on Bruce street. It was a glittering night filled with well dressed attractive people doing attractive well dressed things. Fuck knows what they were, everyone was Pissed as Knewts by the time I arrived. And speaking of knewts at least one party goer who will only be known as Sparky managed to get hypothermia without even falling in the pool. Which this columnist seriously considered arranging after he stood next to a small baby and shouted his head off. Unfortunately for Sparky he failed to start showing symptoms until all the buxom women had left the party. So the traditional hypothermia cure was unavailable to him.

The party also proved interesting because as previously mentioned Melissa Mistress of Pain decided to give young Duncan a third chance! This was done in a unique fashion by providing the blonde young man with an IOU. This columnist was priviledged to view document in question as it was written onto a paper plate. It promised the UniSFAn, formerly known as a Hopeless Joke, a roll in the hay. It seems Melissa handed out a number of these items at the party as another buxom member of the UniSFA committee was also seen leaving the party with a paper plate clutched firmly in her hand.

Its believed that young Dunc tried to claim on the IOU the night it was written. However Melissa was somewhat reluctant and arranged to have him dumped on the street outside his home. Thus creating the necessity of ice cream for the scorned young man the next day. Its seems that things progressed from there as was intended by both partys and very little sleep has been had by anyone in the Bordello de Leederville since.

Its certainly proving to be interesting times Devotees.

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Great UniSFA Gossip Quiz: Round 42

1 Name a former UniSFAn, Pelican editor who is expecting offspring in January 99?

2 Give the address of the Party last Saturday night which proved massively rich in Gossip and wall painting

3 Spell the French term for what Melissa and Marcia got up to on Saturday night after the party?

4 Name the UniSFAn who managed to drag the "Hunk" from Lara (Friend To Melissa) arms at a damn early hour on Sunday morning.

5 Give the address of two UniSFAns who have made a completely inappropriate use of a scanner.

Well Devotee's if you can get all of these questions right you can see what was done with the scanner. See you all at the Quiz Night on Thursday at the Floreat Hotel.

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Rites of Spring

This columnist arrived at the event in a somewhat melancholy mood after a day of drinking and partying to celebrate the matrimonials of a woman who once proposed to him. The proposition having much to do with this columnists superior scone making abilities. Sadly a week later this columnist was brutally shunned when she proposed to her future husband. This will however in no way effect the highest standards of journalism that this columnist always brings to his articles.

The Rites of Spring proved to be an event of many camera's it seems that many of the younger UniSFAns "like to watch" and Melissa Mistress of Pain was not about to dissapoint. Providing as a highlight to the evening an S&M show with Marcia and Lachlan the likes of which UniSFA has never seen. One senior UniSFAn, lets call her KP, was even heard espousing that unforgettable line "This sort of thing never used to happen in my day". But then she did used to date Craig Abbot. This columnist was unfortunately less impressed than the younger UniSFAns. In the opinion of this columnist the show was somewhat tame. He was expecting something more on the scale of the Moonee mass marriages with ritual deflorations. God knows UniSFA has the virgins to do it. Yes Devotee's whilst the Rites of Spring was a good party there was hardly the naked dancing in the rain which occured at the Winter Solstice the year before. I don't know Devotee's I think todays UniSFAns even with the assistance of Melissa Mistress of Pain are a pretty quiet bunch. Im not at all sure they'll ever amount to anything at all.

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