Historical UniSFA
Gossip Pages: 1999
Last Updated: Monday 13th September 1999
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Yes devotee's it was a sad day in the Hacienda Del Telfer New Years morning. Reports reaching this columnist from usually unreliable sources suggest that cries of "You Laddie you're NO my son any more do ye Hear" rang out through the Telfer family mansion after the results of the preceding nights New Years Eve bash became apparent. It seems that Shays parents have become somewhat tired of the annual New Year eve event at their home. Especially as their son no longer considers it his abode and even more especially after certain UniSFAns who must remain nameless turned the Telfer family marble dining table into a quarry at the preceding years event. Whilst damage was down on last year it seems some bright bastard managed to spill red wine into the carpet and an unconfirmed report claimed that another thought those nice gaps on the top of the television might be good to pour things into. Fortunately for Telfer Jnr he has another abode so he won't be forced to live in a cardboard box under a bridge but this columnist would like to point out that he is unimpressed with the wanton destruction that has been wrought upon the Telfer family mansion.
Anyway Devotee's onto other things. Here's a couple of questions you might wish to ponder. Can anyone guess the name of a Senior UniSFAn who recently discovered that he should have updated his drivers license before he chose to drive at high speed past a Police man? And speaking of Policemen there was at least one at Sam Bentinks recent eighteenth. But can you guess who Melissa was flirting with at the same party? This columnist has only one word for the Mistress of Pain "Taste". Speaking of which can you name two UniSFAns who have recently stopped swapping tounges? Ill give you a hint. One of them was not invited back when his housemates moved house. And while we're on people who Shit their housemates no end Mark Tearle has recently moved in with Jason and Liz. Can you guess how long before Mark mysteriously disappears? Perhaps Jason and Liz should hire a butler. And continuing with the Housemates theme. Mad Magsie Dunlop has recently moved into a house full of boyz. Reports reaching this columnist suggest that certain members of this household are having hygiene problems. Still what would you expect from the sort of person who'll mess with other peoples web pages. So what have we go left? Can anyone give the name of the beautiful woman seen accompanying a UCC member, and regular participant of these pages, on Christmas night at Lara and Melissa's party? More importantly what's her phone number? Anyway UniSFAns I think I've given you enough things to ponder over the holiday season. Have fun and I'll talk to you later.
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Well Devotee's it seems that I missed something. Yes it does happen sometimes. Rarely I admit but on occassion people do manage to hide things from your Gossip Columnist. Fortunately we have public spirited UniSFAns who have an unshakable committment to the truth. God bless em. I've decided to protect this ones identity.
From: Public Spirit
Subject: More gossip...
To: skippy@ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au
Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 02:29:52 +0800 (WST)
Cc: Public Spirit
MIME-Version: 1.0
Hi...
Loved the gossip page update...
Who is the secret admirer of the visiting Microsoft employee?
Which ex-Piffle editor was seen in having a deep and meaningful for several hours on the front lawn at Hacienda Del Telfer?
Public Spirit
One has to hope the DMC involved suggesting the Piffle editor in question contact AA immediately.
This columnist would also like to extend his condolences to another of this columns greatest fans who will probably be unable to read this column until she returns to work thanks to the work of thieves on New years eve.
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UniSFAns, Devotee's fellow Citizens. There comes a time when people of good
standing must speak out. A time when they must stand up and be counted. When
they must let those who stand of the side of darkness know that they cannot be
tolerated by decent society . A time comes when we must stand together against
the tide lest we go meekly into the night. I say to you UniSFAns, Devotee's and
fellow Citizens that that time is not now.
Yes sad as it may be UniSFAns I've always worked on the principle of protecting
my sources at all costs. Many of you no doubt remember the ugly incident when
Dishpig offered to come and smash up my house when I wouldn't reveal who'd passed
on the dirt about his tawdry little affair. And sadly I'm in a similar situation
now.
I have a single source of information of a truley stupendous nature. Its
ramifications are wide and far reaching. And dammit I can't tell you. Cancer Man
as this source will be known from now on must be protected. To explain to you
the quandry I'm in I must explain to you some of the inner principles of
information dissemination. A technique used by governments around the world for
many years when attempting to find a leak or spy is tell the same story with
subtle variations to each of your suspected leaks. The story that then leaks
identifies the leaker. And dammit I can't do that to Cancer Man.
But Devotee's I realise the obligation I have to you as well. As such I'm going
to publish the story but in an encrypted form. That way when I have confirmation
of this heinous depravity from a second source I'll be able let you decrypt the
rest of this article.
So down to the gossip.
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I don't know what the world is coming to Devotee's. But I'm damn sure that its
going to hell in a handbasket. Whats happened to common decency in the world I
ask you?
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Howdy new UniSFAns and welcome to UniSFA arguably one of the finest clubs on the planet, despite the cruddy state of the clubrooms. Don't worry though nobody's ever died from sitting on those couches. Although in my younger days I was known for killing one or two of them myself.
Well new members you might be wondering what this gossip column is all about. I started it many years ago now. Back when you were still in a tear in your mothers eye, probably as you went off to your first party with a bottle of bundy under your arm. Why was this column started? Well in the best spirit of Revisionist history I'm making this up on the spot but basically the clubs official web pages are a mite tame. In fact in parts I think they're self depreciating to the point where they could put people off joining. Now I know if you look closely you'll see that my names on the bottom of the pages but there's some things about them that I'm just not allowed to change. So dammit I decided that this club needed a better web, a web page that it could be proud of, a web page that it could participate in, a web page that helped to create a sense of community. Gosh I'm getting a little teary must get a tissue.
Back now. So there you have it. Now down to the Gossip.
So Devotee's it seems that some of the more computer literate amongst you have managed to decrypt last weeks article. Or so they tell me. They haven't however chosen to pass it on to the rest of you. Guess they didn't like what I said about them. If you want to decrypt the above article you'll find the private key concealed within the background image of this Gossip Column. You'll need a package called "GifItUp" to desteg it.
So what else has happened since I last saw you. Well firstly I have to swear
you all to secrecy. You have to promise not to tell Sasha about this one. But someone she was once madly in love with was enjoying the company of another last weekend. Its seems that the two were picnic-ing together. Nice to know he's straight.
What else has happened? It seems that the O-Day party was a great success at least for some. Mad Maggsie Dunlop being one name that springs to mind. Its seems that someone gave young Ms Dunlop a ride home from the O'Day party in his Big Red Commodore and then Ms Dunlop showed him all the couches in their back yard. When pressed for a comment by this columnist Ms Dunlop replied "I was rully rully pussed".
In other news coming to hand it seems that the Maison de Leederville may well become Perths answer to Bosnia. Having made countless lawyers wealthy before I turned 25 devotee's I'd recommend staying out of this one.
So New members that about the status of things at the moment. Please stay tuned and expect you Official UniSFA Gossip Column Questionnaire in the mail. Remember you can tell your Gossip Columnist everything.
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Well Devotee's in the best spirit of drink driving whilst on the information
superhighway I thought you should be appraised of the latest goss. And what a
week its been. Well none of its really salacious but it kinda builds to an
entire picture which will no doubt be revealed in a later article. Can you guess
who learnt about story arcs at the last Swancon. Its seems that rumours that
the iiNet beauty Ms Wilson and young Mikolaj the Enfant Terrible of the Perth
Goth community had separated are completely untrue. This columnist was at a
party recently where it was very obvious that they are still an item and will
likely be so for quite some time to come. This columnist would also like to
point out that being hugged by a half naked goth wearing a kilt and a couple of
nipple rings goes way above and beyond the call of duty.
In other news it
seems that unconfirmed reports are emerging that a senior UniSFAns former raven
haired girlfriend has wasted no time in finding a new companion. This columnist
would like to extend his best wishes to both parties concerned. And should this
information be true will extend an Immunity from Gossip for a period of 3 months
in the hope that the relationship flourishes.
Speaking of Raven haired
companions the sister of the above party has recently settled in Brisbane and
this columnist was today informed that she is currently employed by the
Queensland Department of Education. Don't worry Kylie you can't do any more
damage than Jo did.
In other news I was threatened as I left a party on Friday
night. I won't be making any further changes to the article which caused
offense. I have the full support of the owner of this domain and having reread
the paragraph which supposedly caused offence I can only suggest that you grow a
thicker skin.
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It's a Wee Bairn.
Yes Devotee's former UniSFAn and Pelican Editor Ruth
Callaghan has produced offspring. Or should that be an offspringlet. What is
the singular of offspring? Below is the official announcement of a naming made
by the official who ran the book on the date of the birth.
Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 21:47:36 +0800 To: From: Katie Slekowetz
Subject: introducing... Cc:
skippy@ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au
Dear All,
The decision has been made. Introducing...
Alexandra Mary Victoria Kemp
I trust that noone can think of any reasons not to go with that, with Alex for
short, because you're all too late now, if you can!!
Three days old and already keeping everyone awake through the night!!! lucky for
the dog he's deaf...
Cheers!
Katie
---
stella necis sum...
Reports reaching this columnist suggest that the
Alexandra whilst sleeping alot at the moment is already showing signs of being
insufferabley precocious. Perhaps following in her mothers footsteps. And
speaking of someone who followed in Ruths footsteps we thought we'd ask a former
boyfriend for his thoughts on the matter. Unfortunately we weren't able to find
Shay. His housemates claim that he hasn't spent a night in the house for several
weeks. Don't worry though Devottee's I know your thirst for Gossip will aide
in one of the most ferocious surveilance operations this club has ever seen. We
will find out how he's been spending his nights and whether or not its with the
same person that he's spent all week flogging chocolate for. In other news the
UniSFA elections are to be held tommorrow. And whilst its not usually the place
of this column to interfere with elections I thought why the hell not. If so
called reputable publications can do it then so can I. Well it seems that there
are several candidates for President of UniSFA this year. But in my opinion
Devotee's there is only one choice. A candidate of such shining integrity, such
outstanding honor such terrifying honesty that he can be only choice for such an
arduous position. I think you know who I mean don't you Devotee's. Yes I'm
talking about Paddy O'Hew. A man who owns no Pirate software. Think about that
Devotee's. He's the kind of Man we want running our club. Sure we're going to
need that other Presidental candidate Melissa as VP to ensure that party kindof
thing continues to happen but Dammit we need Paddy as our Prez. In fact
Devotee's I can in all honesty say that I'd buy Paddy a Guiness any time. Why
you ask? Well apart from the fact that he'd let me drink it because he doesn't
Paddy has that ring of integrity about him that you just need in a President.
Well Devotee's thats my meddling done for another week. Seeya at the elections
tommorrow. I wonder if they'll let me be returning officer again.
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Fundamental Tenets.
Devotee's there are things that don't change in UniSFA. Things that are not
meant to change. Things that are immutable rocks upon which we base our gestalt.
Things like the room is always dusty. There's always an apple core under a couch
somewhere. There's always a UniSFAn that believes he or she can study tommorrow
and consequently there's always a UniSFAn that gets at least a E1. Devotee's
these are things which we have come to base our very belief system upon. They
are the very bedrock of our society.
UniSFAns and Devotee's We Live In Interesting Times. And that, my friends, is an
ancient Chinese curse.
Perhaps I'm getting old UniSFAns, perhaps I've seen too much in my tenure as
Gossip columnist, perhaps its just that I've started using my Macquarie
dictionary, but one of those tenets I mentioned earlier that I never expected to
be broken has been! UniSFAns believe it or not there are girls out
there...
...girls who an esteemed and now phenomenally wealthy UniSFAn once
refered to as Type 1 Catholic girls.
Catholic Girls
| Type 1 |
Type 2 |
Type 3 |
| No Sex Before Marriage |
No Sex Before Marriage but everything else goes |
This Religion thing is NOT going to interfere with my Sex Life |
Thanks to Mr P. Cooper.
Now Devotee's I can assure you that Catholocism is not a prerequisite for classification into one of the above categories. A certain degree of Religosity is. But until now I had believed that category shift was a rare and unusual thing. But in the space of a week my illusions have been shattered. My very psyche has been sent reeling and battered back into the very darkest recesses of my mind. And let me tell you it didn't enjoy it there at, so it came back and helped write this article.
It seems UniSFAns that we have as I just alluded to a category shift of the most momentous proportions. Now as you all know a senior UniSFAn who must remain nameless because I work with him recently broke up with his Girlfriend. Mental note: raven doesn't mean red. So he had to find something else to with his after work hours. The cleaners kept throwing him out of the Arts building at 5am so he thought he should get a new girlfriend. And that Devotee's is where the category shift comes in. Whilst I can't mention the Raven haired beauty by name because she wrote me a nice email. I can say that the senior UniSFAn and the Raven haired senior UniSFAn have been seeing a great deal of each other over the last two weeks. To the point where the Murchison street mob are expected the senior UniSFAn to start asking for a rent reduction because he's never there. Now I don't know about you devotee's but things just aren't supposed to change like this. Category 1's aren't supposed to become two's who aren't supposed to become three's. Its just all too much for this columnist.
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An Open Letter To Melissa
Melissa
On Friday the 12th you stole a video tape from me. It was the X-Rated film:
"American Beauty Part 2". Its whats commonly known as a Porno film. You've
admitted to stealing it in an email you sent me.
What I'm angry about is that your actions since then have not been those of
a person who is sorry or who wishes to make amends. Your actions have instead been those of someone who is attempting to obfuscate the facts.
You seem to think that if you tell enough people that "Skippy watches Porno's" perhaps they might forget that Melissa steals things. Its now some nine days since you
took the video and you've made no attempt to either return it yourself or have someone else do it for you.
Melissa I once heard you described, by someone who'd met you only hours before,
as "Massively Insecure". Its a very accurate comment about you. Much of your
life seems to be concerned with constantly seeking the attention of others and
playing sexual power games. Your actions over the past eight days seem to fall into the former of these two categories. To be blunt expressing your contrition to all and
sundry does not fix the problem. You did not promptly return the item you stole.
So I'm forced to believe that your attempts at public contrition are more concerned with gratifying your need for attention rather than making amends for your
actions.
I am distinctly unimpressed with you Melissa. Within twenty minutes of you
taking the video tape from my home I knew that it was missing. Whether you
believe it or not I spent a considerable amount of time checking that I had
not simply misplaced the item. I found it very hard to believe that guests in my
home, people who I'd provided beer and food for would take things from me. What
caused me even more distress is that I don't know whether one of my oldest and
most trusted friends was aware of your actions and chose to remain silent.
Your behaviour on that night and since then has been a collossal breach of trust.
I am tired of playing your attention seeking games. I don't want anything further
to do with you. You can keep the video tape simply because I don't want to have
to negotiate with you for its return or to listen to your attempts at rationalisation or apology.
Please don't contact me again either in person, by email or by phone.
What you did was a shitty thing to do and you haven't put it right.
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You know Devotee's some people will do just about anything to get into this column for the first time. Others once they're here are just desperate to stay. Why once I had a Gossip Recipient who used to send me press releases. "We're off to the zoo today", "We had KFC at Dogswamp last night." It really takes all the fun out of my job. But I ramble, it happens at my age. It seems Devotee's that an elder UniSFAn, well a UniSFAn from my era has found love or at least lust in the snowy reaches of the North American wilderness. Usually well informed sources claim that the senior UniSFAn and an elder member of the UCC had been spending a considerable amount of time together on Flame. And last week the Senior UniSFAn flew from her usual place of abode in the far north to Seattle for a weekend trist with the UCC member who will only be known as coloured fish.
Now I'm going to hark back to my opening comments here for a moment. If you're the sort of person who's prepared to fly around the world meeting people who've you done the cybersex thing with and you're that desperate to get yourself in the Gossip Column. Could you at least make the effort to make your anonymous email press release reasonably salacious. Basically if you're gunna send press releases then could you at least write them so I can just publish them rather than having to type the damn story out myself. Oh and pictures are good too, thousand words an all that.
Final question on this article is of course what sort of rock did he give you Bec?
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Well Devotee's most of you will know this already but for those of you who didn't UniSFA turned 21 last Saturday. Or at least thats when we had the party. And the Ancient Guard assure us that the date of the party was actually pretty close to the Clubs actual incep date.
And a most magnificent party it was too. Great credit must go to the organisers principle amongst whom where Anna Hepworth and Peter Hill although countless other minions also contributed to the wonderful night. 
This columnist spent the night chatting with a cute babe and her bad tempered friend whilst being regailed by Gina G's stories about groin fondling. I wonder if her current students will comment? The evening wasn't particularly rich in gossip, I certainly didn't get lucky. But it did produce some damn 
fine photo's and this article is primarily here so that we can hang photo's off it. Although this columnist was most amused at one point to see young Isaac try to wrap a metal bar around Snoozeboys head. The Boy will go far.
Thanks to Shay Telfer for the Photo's.
One final item of interest did emerge from the night. It seems that there is a UniSFAn that both Jo Jackson-King and Martin King has slept with. What I'd like to know is when did Timu get a membership?
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UniSFA Jellywrestling
Well folks I hope you're not trying to read the Column over a modem this week because its going to get even worse. Yes Devotee's we've got another set of photo's for you. And coz I'm feeling irresponsible I'm not going to drop the image quality one iota. So it seems that last weekend a shady dive with concrete floors held the first UniSFA Jelly wrestling competition. Reports reaching this columnist suggest that a huge time was had by all and that the organisers are to be commended. But we all know who the organisers were so they can burn in hell. "Responsible Journalism, I say only if you're on Media Watch." To be honest though I think this should become a Terracon sport. You'd sort the Men from the Boys if you did it when the air temperature was between 5 and 10 degree's celsius.
Thanks to Shay Telfer for the Photo's.
And speaking of Shaggles. Rumours of an Alternate Gossip Column abound. This columnist has only a brief comment to make regarding it "Bring it On, I'd enjoy the competition".
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Howdy Devotee's well its finally happened I have
some competition. Something to goad me to even greater heights. Or as
some would say depths in the constant and unceasing search for Fresh
Gossip to feed your insatiable appetites. Yes Devotee's Shaggles Telfer
has finally got off his bum and brought the Alternate
Gossip Column online. And Devotee's you should check it out. Really
its not bad. A few minor technical issues but in the Fraternity of Web
Based Gossip Columnists we'll forgive him for those. As long as he fixes
them quickly. I would like to offer my compliments on the layout of the
page. It has a certain familiarity to it which I find restful. You
know Devotee's its kinda nice to be Gossiped about for once instead of
doing the Gossiping. I mean sure in the past I had Peter Cooper tell
those lovely stories about my charming little brother. Usually to girls
I was trying to chat up. And Dave Cakes done his bit as well but knowing
that someones gone to the effort of copying your work just so that he can
gossip about you. I'm touched Shay really I am.
I'd like to offer
some advice to the new Gossip Columnist. Some lessons that I've learnt
in my pioneering years as the UniSFA Gossip Columnist.
Lesson
1 Make sure you're home server is secure.
Lesson 2 That
thing about Glass houses and Stones, remember it always.
Lesson
3 If you're getting laid too often you're probably not going to
concentrate on your work.
I wouldn't worry about that last one too
much though. It can be fixed very quickly.
So Shay please accept my
fondest welcome to the world of Gossip. Hopefully you'll last at least
as long as I have.
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Well Devotee's its
been a momentous couple of days. We've had at least one new Gossip
Column come online and then fall off again and from reports reaching this
columnist a bevy of other fledgling social historians are waiting in the
wings eager to join the hurly burly world that is UniSFA. And now down
to the Gossip 1. Name the Senior UniSFAn that hurt his back today
picking up chicks, literally.
2. Name the UniSFAn who had a suspected
fracture last week and for supplementary points how did she get it?
3.
How many MacGeekChicks contacted this Columnist last week after rumours
of an alternate party to the Melissa event were posted to that mailing
list.
4. Extra bonus points for the Author of this partial quote, "I'm
neither young nor old ... I just sit in the void..."
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Well Devotee's reports reaching this columnist suggest
that Marcia's beauty party was a huge success. And god knows the girl
had a great idea. Anything that makes UniSFAns easier on the eyes is a
good thing. We have below a list of questions, regarding the night,
provided by our new Rookie Gossip Columnist who shall remain nameless
until they choose to reveal themselves.
1) Which committee member was made up like the
Cowardly Lion with pincurls and ringlets? 2) Which previously brunette
unisfan had blonde stubble by the end of the night?
3) Which fresher's
makeup job was inspired by Frank-n-furter?
4) Which fresher had a
lovely glowing complexion after a facial, which included a blue mud
mask?
5) Who was the first male to wear lipstick?
6) Who now has a
blonde streak at the front of her hair?
7) Who had their curls removed
temporarily with straightening lotion?
8) Who did Coreynne attack with
lipstick?
9) Which Unisfan did Marcia's best friend Norelle think was
a babe?
10) What were Froggy and Lisa doing on the lounge room floor in
the morning that involved up and down motions under a doona?
Awards for the night's prettiest girl go to April by a landslide (hair
and makeup courtesy of Marcia and Norelle) and prettiest boy was Matthew
Lister (hair and makeup courtesy of Norelle and Coreynne).
Answers to questions will be provided when I get the photos
developed.
And this Columnist would like to announce that there will be a prize of 1
Easter Egg, kindly donated by Melissa, for anyone who can get all Ten
questions correct.
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Well Devotee's I had a good weekend. Thought I'd share that with you.
Now down to the gossip. Sunday saw the eagerly awaited Country Music
Party at the Kanimbla Homestead. And a most relaxing event it was too.
There were ribs a roastin and beers aplenty and this columnist was only a
little dissapointed to discover a lack of boot scootin. Now Devotee's I
want y'all to settle down I'll get to the gossip in a minute. Thet I
surely will. The first item concerns a member of the Triumvirate who ran
the UniSFA ranch back in '94. Before many of you young tykes were even
born. Yes folks it seems that this particular Andrew has decided to get
hitched. The lucky Gal who gets to make an honest man of him has become a
regular feature of this column. Why even at this moment you can see her
famous quote gracing the top of this column. "This is not new gossip", I
hear you shout. Truly partners it is not, what is new though is that
the lucky couple were recently seen consulting a priest concerning the
wedding. Now devotee's I'm not really up on the intricacy's of Christian
weddings but this Columnist is led to believe that having a priest read
the entrails of a sacrificed animal is by far and away the best way to
determine the date for such momentous events. So hopefully we'll soon be
hearing a date for this wondrous occasion.
Other events of interest at the Country party included the still amazing
growth of young Timu the Magnificent. I tell you Devotee's I want some of
whatever it is they put in the water up there at Bindoon. Reports reaching
this columnist suggest that Timu will be persuing a career path in interior
design. He's already showing a preference for a minimalist style which entails
removing as much furniture as possible from a room and leaving it somewhere else.
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Howdy Devotee's the gossip world awaits with anticipation the news from the latest
UniSFA stronghold. Yes Devotee's Shaggles's Smut Shack came into reality today when Shay Telfer
the Pirate Gossip Columnist signed his life away to a mortgage broker. Reports have
been filtering through to this columnist for weeks that Shaggles has been contemplating
the purchase of an inner city property from his mother. You know the one who buys his
clothes for him. These reports were confirmed today by the Pirate gossip columnist
himself. So Devotee's it seems that the Murchison street mob will no longer be blessed
with worm farms, bowls of two month old pasta in the Fridge or a fire engine red Honda
Civic out the front lowering the tone of the place. Conversation has been rife amongst
the Brotherhood of Gossip Columnists about how much information will reach you the loyal
public from Shaggles Smut Shack. But fear not Devotee's as soon the massive corporate
sponsorship deal comes through this columnist will make sure you're never far from the action.
I don't want to say too much at them moment but I can tell you this much ShaggleCam.
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Return-Path: monica@whitehouse.gov
Subject: Love is in the air
Date: Tue, 04 May 1999 00:39:34 +0800
There are rumours flying that a couple of last years freshers have tied
the knot. It seems that one is The BirdMan, and the other won a competition
at Terracon last year.
Love&Kisses&Cigars
Monica
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Well Devotee's I love it when this happens. The less writing I have to do the better.
It seems that the Anonymous Gossip received earlier in the day has a most amusing
side to it. As another one of our Deep Cover Agents has chosen to reveal. For the time being we'll
call them "BabyDoc". And here is the email that we've received regarding this matter.
To: Paramount UniSFA Gossip Columnist
From: BabyDoc
Subject: Re: Anonymous gossip
I can confirm the anonymous gossip, having been at Tav 101 on Monday with
one of the newlyweds. I think he's going to cop some almighty flak from his
folks after the Registry people rang his home number, not his mobile
number...
BabyDoc
This Columnist would like to make clear at this point that he certainly hopes this
marriage is not for financial gain.
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Well Devotee's you've got to love it when you're busy... really you do.
Really really you do. I'm mean what could be more fun than cutting HTML code
at 11.50pm when you're fingers feel like two inch think sausages and
everything is coming to your brain through an alcohol induced cotton wool
haze. So where was I?. Well I watched a movie with Jennifer Love
Hewitt in it tonight. I bet she could keep you warm on a cold winters night.
Gossip! Sorry folks. Stay on target Luke... Stay on Target.
Reports
reaching this columnist suggest that certain proto UniSFA web designers were
extremely distracted earlier in the week. It seems that they were more
interested in the events occurring in UniSFA than in upgrading the UniSFA
web pages. And dammit why shouldn't they be I mean really isn't that why
people come to university to meet interesting people and sleep with them. I
wander. Yes it seems that the new UniSFA web page designer was dragged away
from his terminal in the UCC to study the goings on in UniSFA. And let me
tell you folks he was NOT happy. I mean really what sort of depravity and
heinous goings on is the club room seeing these days. Why back in my day a
rather steamy massage was the closest UniSFA saw to anything gossipworthy
for years on end. Why is it that the younger UniSFAs feel the need to swap
spit, tounges and other bodily fluids on the couches in UniSFA? Isn't that
what UniSFA partys are for? And let me tell you there's been a dearth of those
in recent times. I'm mean really the last one was several weeks ago. So um where
was I going with this gossip. Stop upsetting the new UniSFA web designer especially
before he hasn't even got round to publishing his first pages yet. Or if you're going
to distract him. Do it properly.
Back To Index
Well Devotee's the past few days have been interesting in the hurly burly world
that is UniSFA. We've seen the new UniSFA web pages come online thanks to a young
and enthusiastic committee member named Graham Bowland. We then saw the main Guild
website go offline as an older UniSFAn, who I once had the displeasure of sharing a house
with, tried to get the Virtual domains working. To say that the party's formerly
known as the UniSFA Web masters were amused would be, an understatement.
Fortunately older and wiser heads were available to pull the clubs collective cohones
out of the fire before the Guild reared its ugly, misshapen head. Dave the campus
needs to know. What will you be doing January 1st next year?
Reports reaching this columnist suggest that any minor issues which have arisen are being quickly sorted out by
the new UniSFA web designer who can be reached at the following address:
unisfa-webmasters@ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au.
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Yes Devotee's cease your reeling in shock. There are UniSFAn
beautiful people! The just don't hang out at the clubroom much
anymore. Well actually this sort of thing is all relative isn't
it. I mean who decides who's beautiful people and who's not.
Well actually Perth Weekly has been doing a pretty good job for
the past few months. Which brings me to the Gossip for this
article. A certain UniSFAn, for whom the phrase "Attack
Fresherette" was coined, has recently graced the social pages of
the Perth Weekly with her image. Yes folks if it wasn't for your
eagled eyed Gossip Columnist this momentous occasion might have
slipped by. But thanks to your ever vigilant columnist this
moment will go down for ever in the ongoing saga that is the
UniSFA Gossip Column. Aren't you lucky?
Back To Index
Well Devotee's it looks like Terracon was a huge event this year.
This columnist was unable to attend as he is saving up to go to Aussiecon 3 but
reports reaching him suggest that a great deal of fun was had by all
and that the committee are to be commended. Anyway Devotee's down
to the Gossip our first preliminary report comes from an anonymous
contributor who'll go by the codename "Leafs".
Twas a truly angstful terracon, and I'm preparing a very poetic
report...
Suffice to say (and these are anonymous, of course) the following may
well have occurred:
Our esteemed Vice Pres lost the plot, started a fight, and seems to be
having the strangest problems with women at late (I'd need to see an
actual diagram before I could explain it)
His ex seemd to spend a lot of terracon having arguments with him (and
is believed to have been intimate with someone in hut 9)
Rod Swift hit a kangaroo while out checking his mobile phone messages.
An ex-treasurer was believe to have become very intimate with someone
called "Binky"
There was much vomitting from possibly the worst Iron Stomach
competition in recent memory.
Lee Taylor kissed a boy
There were at least 2 cases of whipped cream and M&Ms being served on
stomachs
Marcia was given a topless massage where nothing else happened
There was also apparently a legendary game of truth or dare, you'd have
to find out more about that from someone who was there...
When more comes to mind I'll send an update.
In other Terracon related news this columnist attended the Terracon
Party for those who didn't attend Terracon on Saturday. It was held
at the Fiore del Florence a new UniSFAn stronghold which has bravely
taken in refugee's from the Broome street Bunker, one of UniSFA's
oldest and most historic share houses. This columnist having lived
two doors up for many years was quite surprised how nice this new
residence looks inside as the outside always looked especially
tasteful with the wrecked 4X4 ute on the front lawn. The Terracon party
for those who didn't attend Terracon was an interesting event. This
columnist learnt of at least one UniSFAn who really should know more
about anatomy than he does. And why another UniSFAn is known as "Pizzaboy".
Although he unfortunately can't tell people in this time slot.
Well Devotee's it looks like we have another anonymous source wishing to dish the
dirt on his or her fellow con goers. We'll call this one JMKultra.
Well... as someone who was at the truth or dare game... (please don't put
my name on this).
Most people didn't bother much with truth, but there were some interesting
dares.
A certain UniSFA committee member was invited to act out a sexual fantasy.
A certain UCC committee member stripped down to her underwear and danced
seductively around the room.
There were several rather painful hickies (one recipient had trouble moving
her neck the next day), and at least three fake orgasms.
Two of the guys did their best to have sex with their clothes on.
There was quite a lot of same-sex kissing.
An unknown number of purity test points were lost.
At least one person didn't listen to the pleas of 'no cameras!'
Around 6 or 7am, the game wound down and people staggered off to wheverever
it was that they went.
And finally Devotee's we have the following piece reputedly from the Elusive Binky
herself. Hell at least she's not keeping me awake anymore.
Subject: gossipfixing...
ullo then!
Wouldn't you like a bit more accurate gossip on the elusive binky that you
love to put in quotation marks?
No - binky didnt get THAT intimate with Lachlan(?)...Actually, binky is
feeling really quite guilty about the whole situation - especially after the
sunday night incident where she got tanked, Lachlan looked after her, let her
lie down on someone elses lap and then she smutted him for the rest of the
night (who incidentally was very nice indeedy! :P ) Hey - it meant i got
more bed space at least!
...I dont know quite when Lachlan left us alone, but i am kinda feeling
really bad about it. Oh well, put the advertising material out - Lachlan
will be very good fodder for some female with more of a heart and less of a
record than me...he really was quite sweet.
*hugs and squelches*
binky.
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Howdy Devotee's it looks like this was a wild party. Anyone have photo's?
Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999
From: galapagos aardvark
Subject: dirt, smut and goss
To: Paramount UniSFA Gossip Columnist
Greetings oh most gossipfullnesses. I, galapagos aardvark, come forth
at this time to bring you news of stirrings in the force...
M2 had a party, not normally the sort of shin-dig I'd choose to find
myself at, but find myself there I did.
I saw much smut, let me tell you...
Seems our ex-treasurer is spreading himself around a bit, there were
his terracon exploits and last night he seemed real cosy with a present
member of the UniSFA exec.
It looked like there were way too many writhing bodies on the kitchen
floor at one point, and then they all moved off into one of the
bedrooms. An alleged participant was seen leaving with his t-shirt on
inside out.
I didn't see anyone try and knock anyone else's lights out.
I believe the smut tally of one UniSFAn present may have gone into
double figures.
The music sucked -- okay the Madness was good but did we have to hear
it 3 times?
Russell looked pretty stupid with black hair.
Several boys kissed several boys.
Several girls kissed several girls.
A video camera was present for part of the proceedings.
And who was that man being driven home by our illustrious Secretary?
Tokens for you by the most anonymous galapagos aardvark.
Back To Index
Howdy Devotee's I love it when I have to work this hard on an article. Still I feel that
I should make some comment as I feel that so many of you long to hear my erudite
tones each week. So here it is. "Kiddies Stick to Port its light on the Fizz so you
can Slam it down fast"
Now down to the goss.
From: Leafs
To: Paramount UniSFA Gossip Columnist
Date: Mon, 12 Jul 1999 19:27:49 +0800
Subject: more from "leafs"
Hey Skip,
The vodka and choc party, where to start.
Formerly Underwear boy, now vomit boy after coughing up a beer he was
sculling... sources say that no chunks were involved, however.
Said vomit boy then smutted a certain dragon.
Marcia turned down a smut (but agreed to get topless again).
True love or just the first open-legged kiss?
Did raven smut dunc?
yours anon, leafs
Date: Mon, 12 Jul 1999 04:41:43 -0700 (PDT)
From: galapagos aardvark
Subject: a party of vodka, chocolate and smut
To: Paramount UniSFA Gossip Columnist
Well, what an event.
Vomit boy blew chunks and then smutted a dragon.
Raven smutted a rustle and then blew chunks.
I thought i saw a rustle in the corner with... well let's just call
them a member of the unisfa exec.
I believe there's someone out there dying to get into motorcycle man's
pants.
the CIA don't know as much about a certain amphibian as his ex.
snippets from the aardvark...
Back To Index
Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1999 10:27:55 -0400 (EDT)
From: adelphie k
Subject: information
To: Paramount UniSFA Gossip Columnist
Dear Skippy,
As a careful observer of the going's on in UniSFA it appears that a
certain former high ranking couple have resolved their differences. The
former couple (which have appeared repeatedly in your column before)
have been seen not only conversing in a positive manner but behaving in
ways which can only be described as interesting. Flirting and kissing
instead of screaming and insults? While it has been noted that both
seem to have other interests could recent behaviour suggest a returning
to what once was?
Adelphie
Back To Index
Well Devotee's Saturday night saw the resumption of an age old tradition. The
Party at Russles house. Now Devotee's I don't know how many of you had the
pleasure of attending a gathering at Russles Cooper street abode. But for those
of you who had his new house would most certainly have been a shock.
Immaculately trimmed lawns, Flowerbeds with flowers in them. And not a possum to
be seen anywhere. Perhaps even more importantly a toilet which didn't need to
hide behind a red globe before you felt safe using it. So how could such a
salubrious establishment host a Seedy party you ask? Well devotee's alot of the
credit must go to the host.
Rustle spent much of the evening dressed in a T-shirt with much of the back
missing. Perhaps the Kelmscott equivalent of the fishnet T-shirt? He added to
this depravity by supplying barely legal young girls with Tang. I tell you
Devotee's the man has no shame. Said unfortunates were later seen tasting other
members of the party for long periods. And speaking of Tounge hockey. Reports
reaching this columnist suggest that at least one very senior member of last
years committee spent much of the evening ensconsed in a back room with a married
man. Along with Russle and Lisa and Binky but not all at once.
I don't know Devotee's this sort of thing never happened in our day. I blame it
on the Fall of Communism. You'd never have beem caught checking out someone
elses tonsils with the Red Menace waiting to kick in your door. It just wasn't done.
Back To Index
Well Devotee's its been a while. And when Respectable Business People
start commenting on the lack of Gossip ya just have to start doing something
about it. So what have we got for you?
1. Name a UniSFAn who gets Cable TV just because he's partial to WWF Wrestling.
2. Name a UniSFAn Gossip Columnist who recently was recently spotted at Sexpo?
Extra points if you can name two.
3. Name a UniSFAn who's been having trouble controlling her temper of late.
4. What do the initials Triple D stand with respect to the Pirate Gossip Columnists
new job?
5. Who made the following sounds?
With Special Thanks to an Anonymous Source for the sounds.
Back To Index
Well Devotee's many of you will have noticed the changes at the top of my modest
publication this week. If there's one thing I learnt at the Con (as we con goers
like to call it) its that Editors and Publishers get laid. And if thats what it
takes then I can stoop to it too. And now down to the gossip.
And speaking of
wetting the whistle usually well informed WASFF sources inform me that the
pricipal editor of Ticonderoga Publications was seen discussing his profession
with an ardent admirer after the Dead Dog party. What rubbing naked flesh together has to do
with publishing...
this Publisher is looking forward to finding out. Rumours vary as to whom this
admirer was exactly but reports reaching this columnist suggest that she was damn
cute.
In other news from the Con it seems that age, nor child, have
mellowed Anna Hepworth. A fact that Jeremy Nelson, now resident in Sydney, had to
discover the hard way. Reports vary as to what Jeremy did to incur the wrath of
Ms Hepworth but this Small Press Publisher believes it was the most Dire and anti
social of acts. It seems that Jeremy, curmudgeon that he is, made Ms Hepworth
laugh whilst she was attempting to remain straight faced during the filming of a
Swancon commercial. Plastic Surgeons remain unsure as to whether children
will even look on Jeremys visage again without screaming in terror.
In other
news this Small Press Publisher managed to inflict GBH upon himself with the aid
on an escalator on the first day of the con. The horrific scarring probably why he chose not to share his bed
during this con. Fear not though devotee's on his last day
in Melbourne this Publisher visited The Polyester Bookshop and aquired "Advanced
Revenge Techniques". You can rest assured the escalator in question will never be
the same again.
Finally Devotee's I must inform you of the Almost activities of one of the
Massive Western Australian Fan contigent at the closing ceremony. Lets hope he
won't try to have the pages hacked again if doesn't approve of my comments. It
seems that Snoozeboy aka Dishpig was seriously contemplating the nude run through
1500 or so assembled fans at the closing ceremony of this years con with only a
borrowed Hugo to shield himself. Had not another West Australian, and now
Federal Police officer, been blocking his exit this might have come to pass.
Regretably Snoozeboy chose not to clash wills with the 150Kg Policeman and is probably alive today as a result.
Seriously though folks this Publisher had a great time and can heartily recommend
a Worldcon to anyone who has even the remotest interest in Science Fiction or
Fantasy. Those of you who couldn't make it to this one because of financial
constraints should start saving now so you can make it to the next Australian
Worldcon, sometime next decade.
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